Late Night Rambles

Today I went to lunch with one of my very dear, and close friends of mine. She’s the best! (The one that got married in Portland, if you remember) 

And while we were at dinner naturally we ended up talking about my parents’ divorce. And for the past month I have been struggling with recent course of events. It’s just been really hard for me to accept.

It will sound nutty but it’s been “interesting” to experience the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. Some days I was really angry, and silently lashing out at everyone and everything. I was angry. Just. So. Angry. So much frustration. I had never been so upset, and I had never misdirected my anger towards God. 

The amount of sorrow that I’ve experienced put me at a loss for words. I wanted to cry, a lot. But crying only ever made me more angry, and it never seemed to help.

And of course I wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it because my emotions were never the same. One day I’d feel a certain way while the next I would feel a different way.

For a time I found myself angry with God. Angry that this was happening, angry that my parents hadn’t made the best decisions that they could have through out their marriage, and angry that I wasn’t coming to terms with the situation.

All I wanted was peace. P E A C E. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I wanted to find comfort. But I didn’t want to ask God for that. I didn’t want to ask Him because I was angry. And I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was angry with God. How ridiculous would I sound? Who could I have told that wouldn’t think I was being unreasonable? Which I knew I was deliberately choosing not to pray for comfort,and choosing not to be happy.

But thankfully, God has placed the right people in my life that allowed me to find a safe place to confide my feelings. And they understood. 

Since then I’ve let go of my anger. I may have to make the decision everyday but by doing so I’ve been able to be happier and more at peace. 

I’ve realized that it isn’t God’s fault that my parents are deciding to handle their relationship the way that they are. It isn’t by God’s will that my parents get divorced. They still have their agency they are making the choices that they have thus far, and ’til the end it’ll always be their decision. 

I’m thankful for God’s patience. I’m thankful for His love, kindness, and mercy. God is so merciful. His mercy knows no bounds. He has continued to bless me through this difficult time even when He was fully aware of how angry I was with Him. I’m thankful that He knew I could and would come to terms with the situation. And I’ve been able to recognize the love He has for me is never ending by taking into account the blessings He’s bestowed upon me even when all I thought I wanted was to be alone. 

I know God lives. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. I know I am imperfect. I know that I am flawed. I know that in alotta ways I could be considered the worst. I know that I have so much to work on. But I know that God has prepared the way for me to return to Him. I know that He sent His son to die for me. And I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m so grateful that not only does it help the bad man become good it also helps the good man become better. 

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel restored to the earth. I also know that I am the farthest perfect person there ever was, but I know that without a doubt I wouldn’t leave this Gospel for anything else. The blessings of this Gospel when we are obedient far out weigh the pleasures the world can offer us.

I normally don’t post stuff like this but it’s been on my mind so there we go.

 

Open Door Policy

Later i promise to blog about the biggest lie I ever told but I just have to get this off my chest. It might be because last semester I had the best roommates I could’ve asked for or simply this semester I just don’t want to make new friends and I just want my old ones back… or it might just be me over analyzing and assuming that my new roommate doesn’t like me but I swear I’m sure of it…

So I am an extrovert. I’m a fan of being with a lot of people most of the time. I leave my door open intentionally so that if anyone wants to come into my room they can without knocking. I even sometimes change with my door open, ha the “Open Door Policy” never ends.. Until recently… IE this semester…

I got two new roommates this semester.. and I’m not saying everyone likes me all the time but I will admit that I am quite used to just about everyone liking me. Ha

But anyways my two new roommates: one is super super nice, I like her, but she has a boyfriend and is either with him or with her bff. Which is totally fine! I’m not worried because she’s never here but when we do see each other we talk plenty.

BUT my other new roommate… she is quiet. And now there’s nothing wrong with quiet! My best friend was really quiet when we first met too! We didn’t really know each other until I moved in with her! I get shy too sometimes! I can do quiet. 

What I can’t do is when I try to have conversation with you and all I get are one worded answers that make me feel like you’d rather do your baking in silence. Which if I wanted silence I would just go to my room and shut the door… and btw that may or may not be what I’ve been doing this past week.. and I may or may not hate that I feel so uncomfortable to the point of where I no longer leave my door open.

Now the one worded answers fine, fine you may not really have a longer answer for my petty “get to know you” questions and that’s just fine.

But when you’re chatting it up with my bffs but then get quiet as I walk in.. I don’t like that

I also don’t like when it’s just you and me there’s no talking, and if another person enters the room there’s still no talking, but when I leave you instantly start talking!

Girl world is place where you’re constantly judging, being judged and or waiting to share your judgments about others with your friends.

Not that I’m so self-absorbed that I think they’re talking about me, because I doubt it…

I’m just projecting because I feel very self-conscience in my own apartment whereas last semester I could’ve done just about anything and there’d be no judgement…

I also think this girl thinks I’m dumb…

Because I was talking to one of my roommates about my night and my new roommate her door was open and while I was talking she shut her door… Now I’m going crazy because I’m reading too much into it obviously but what if this girl has decided that she straight up doesn’t like me???

What did I do?? Nothing.

I even did her dishes this week! Not that, that’s a huge deal

And I don’t want her to like me, I don’t need her to like me! I just want to feel comfortable in my own apartment again…

And if you have any ideas on what in the world I could possibly do to.. better the situation.. leave a comment.. that’d be much appreciated…

That’s my rant for this morning.. Stay tuned for the biggest lie I ever told.

2013 was like a bowl of cherries

Well since everyone I know has gone back to work and the puppy of mine has gone to take a well deserved nap… I’ve had some time to think..

Considering how it’s New Years Eve I have had quite the year, and I don’t think I ever thought this year would have gone the way it has…

At the beginning of 2013 I was working as a waitress, contemplating serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and trying to fill my time productively when I wasn’t working.

But this year I’ve made a lot of new discoveries about life, and about myself. 

I’ve discovered that I can change the qualities about myself that I don’t like. I’ve learned that I don’t have to settle for the way that I am because if I want to be better I know I can achieve that. 

I.E. wanting to be more sincere, patient, and kind towards others and myself… I haven’t mastered it but I know I’ve gotten better at it

I’ve learned that this life is like… a bowl of cherries.. preferably the dark ones because I like those best.. and sometimes you get so caught up in the deliciousness of life you choke on a pit.. and you’ll probably struggle or you might needa friend for the Heimlich maneuver but when it’s all said and done you’ll laugh about it later. 

Speaking of laughter… everyone knows that its been scientifically proven that laughing is good for you.

Discovery Channel says:

10: It Decreases Stress
9: It Helps Coping Skills
8: It Improves Blood Pressure and Flow
7: It Provides a Burst of Exercise
6: It Impacts Blood Sugar Levels
5: It Manages Pain
4: It Boosts Your Social Skills
3: It Reduces Aggression
2: It Energizes Organs
1: It Boosts the Immune System

My Point is.. Finding the humor in life and being able to laugh at it will only improve your life. And that’s all I have to say about that.

But I digress..

I’ve had some really, really, really wonderful and great laughs this year. I won’t lie and say this year has been nothing but fun, but this year has certainly been filled with good times.

I’ve done a lot of traveling this year as well, I’ve been so blessed to have had the opportunity to go to all the places I’ve gone to.. Although I’ve only traveled within the U.S this year I hope next year I’ll be able to take advantage of adventures outside the U.S.

I’ve been able to finish another year of school, and I did it with some of the best people around. 

I’ve made a lot of new friendships this year, and held on tight to others. I honestly know some of the best people, and don’t get me wrong I’m sure you do as well but I’m just saying I’m really grateful for the wonderful people I’ve been so blessed to come to know.

And this year I think I’d go as far as to say that I have no regrets! This year I had the chance to do everything I could’ve dreamed of doing!

General Conference, Two weddings, did great in school, dated, kissed a boy or two, sang, danced, and then danced some more, late nights, long drives, lots of fast food, cried, wept, moved into a new apartment, laughed, cried because I was laughing so hard, read books, watched too many movies, played in the snow, fell on the ice, played with puppies, told the right people that I loved them, said good-bye to others.

This year has been good to me. Sweet in every way, and I wouldn’t say that I’m bitter in any way. 

I hope you find the blessings of 2013 before it’s up. I also hope 2014 has nothing but good vibes, good times, with even better people for you and me.

 

I’m back from the dead!

So I’m back from the dead! Not that I died, but I’ve just been “busy” traveling, lazy from all the food I’ve been eating, and tired from staying up all night watching Disney movies.

But I have a lot on my mind so let’s just get going…

1.) Super grateful that I’ve done well this past fall semester. Traveling home for Christmas was a crazy drive. Thankfully I had my older brother there to keep me calm while driving. I was really nervous. Driving through Wyoming in snow and ice is kinda scary.. well for me at least.. and I’m just a baby.. 

2.) Actually being home.. has been weird to say the least. Remember when I said divorce sucks? Well that hasn’t changed, ha it still does… Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and I’m not saying my parents didn’t do their best to keep the peace while we’ve been home because they have. They actually haven’t fought this whole time, but then again they haven’t really done much talking either. And I’m not sure what would be worse. There’s that saying, “Worry when I stop fighting because that means I’ve stopped caring.” Actually.. I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes at all but that’s the gist of it.. And it’s pretty heart breaking to see that your parents have entered a war where they don’t speak. I mean we haven’t spent any family time with everyone except for when we opened gifts and a few days later we tried to have lunch together.. Thank God for food otherwise we would’ve had to talk to each other ha Everything my parents say has a double meaning.. must be really hard to live that way.. I’m not mad at either of them, the main problem can’t possibly be blamed on one person alone. Father will blame mother for not being who he used to know, and Mother will blame father for not accepting who she is now. And we could all just blame pride and say that they just need to forgive each other and move forward but there are just so many things at play here that it couldn’t possibly play out that way. ‘Tis sad, Merry Christmas. Ha now that sounds bitter and maybe I am! Maybe I wanted to laugh a little more than I did this Christmas..

Dear Reader,

If you would like to redo Christmas for me that would be the very nicest thing anyone could ever do for me… this year.

Love, Amy

3.) Does it make me selfish that I’m thinking about redoing Christmas? Yes. It is. 

4.) I love my parents and I want them happy. And if they’re certain that separation is the answer then I may not support it and encourage them to reconsider but ultimately it’s their decision. I want to be involved, but how involved can a kid really be in their parents’ divorce without being a burden. Probably best to just get out of the way, and when everything is figured out I shouldn’t be affected in multiple ways just one, emotionally. Right? Because I don’t live with them, ha I pay a majority of my own bills and by majority I’m thinking all but insurance. IE Dental, and Health Insurance, I’d add car insurance but lucky me.. I still don’t have a car! haha

5.) At some point I need to make a real 2014 New Year Resolutions, ones that I can keep.. And I’ll make sure to blog about those soon…

6.) I would like a list of all the books I need to read this Winter Break, I never get to read as much as I’d like I always end up doing something else… IE eating, sleeping, sleeping, eating…

7.) I’ve gotta stop eating so much! I’m always H A N G R Y, it’s really not fair to those around me honestly..

8.) Back to relationships in general.. I’m not a Queen B with relationships but I was just thinking to myself last night.. that Man and wife are supposed to be equally yoked, they are supposed to get through the difficulties in life together, closer than they were before. Of course that’s easy for me to say because I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have a real job. You guys I just don’t wanna ‘eff up my marriage 20 years after getting married… Not that I’m about to get married to anyone..

Hanging out with my mother this past week has been nice, she tells me how proud she is of me. That she never thought I’d make the changes that I have, she didn’t think that I would be as successful as I have been. She told me that she thinks I’ll go far in life. That I’ve got everything going for me. She thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread and hey! that’s the nicest thing my mother has ever, ever said to me. Sadly it ended with, “Now Jasmine, don’t be like your mother. -for a lot of reasons- but don’t be like mommy and just, just be careful who you marry.” 

Isn’t that sad? I’m half my father, you know. Which I had to remind her that I’m not all hers, without Daddy there’d be no me, no children.

We all make mistakes. I mean well duh…

Poor Daddy, he told me that it sucks being around someone who is disappointed in you. “She’s disappointed,” he said, “with everything I am.”

Honestly I just think there is a lot of resentment between the two of them. Like instead of resenting their kids for everything they don’t have they resent each other for everything they don’t have, didn’t do, and everything they might not get to do. 

I want my parents together.. I want them to grow old together. I wish they could remember what brought them together and why they’ve been holding on for so long.

But I guess if it’s past the point where that’s an option I guess I’ll have to be a big girl and keep doing what’s right. 

I hope one day when my parents meet someone new (heaven forbid, just kidding…) ha that I can manage to accept that. I hope that they both find happiness when this is all over. I hope that I can be a good example to them, to my family, I hope that I can be kind to both of them, I hope I can be able to console both of them, I want to be there for my parents like they have been for me… I don’t know how I’ll do that but I’m sure we’ll just figure it out as we go.

2014 New Year Resolution #1: Love more, tell people what they mean to me and mean it when I say it

Happy Holidays everyone, may your new year be the best you’ve ever had.

One Love
XOXO

She got married!

Weddings are such happy days. I love weddings. The couple getting married are happy, their families are happy, the people attending the wedding are happy. Everyone is just so happy.

This weekend I got the opportunity to go to one of my dearest friend’s wedding. She got sealed in the Portland, Oregon temple.

(You check out what temples are here)

But anyways I got to drive 12 hours with another good friend of mine to go and see our friend, Kayla, get married.

Now let me take a moment to tell you a little bit about Kayla …

I met her my first semester of college and we were roommates. This girl was loud, happy, funny, and beautiful. My first semester was the most fun I’d ever had! She became like my college “mother”. Ha, I’d call her mom. At the end of the semester I figured that we’d part ways and we wouldn’t keep in touch; because well that happens and I’d never done the college thing before so I kept my expectations low.

But we’ve been friends ever since.

We lived together for another semester and then she graduated.

We got the chance to really grow closer together during her last semester. We served together in our church callings and her faith strengthened mine.

I learned so much from her.

Kayla always had me wondering if I could be any better today than I was yesterday.

So anyways she had met her husband a long time ago, they basically grew up together. He served a mission during my first semester and  she’d write him, we all knew she loved him then but these things take time… so when he got back they continued to date… I got to spend some time getting to know him. And I don’t think I could have dreamed of a better man for her. Derek, her husband, is just a good man. Good in every sense of the word. Good to her in every way. And well, they are good together.

So one thing finally led to another and they got engaged.

Few months later they were ready to get married.

And like I said I went to the wedding.

My heart was filled with the love they had for each other and the love everyone had for them.

And besides them walking out of the temple after being sealed for time and all eternity, the toasts at the lunch-in were probably my second favorite part of the wedding, and spending a little bit of time with all the people that loved Kayla and Derek was just great.

It was just such a tender weekend. My heart was filled. Ha, still full.

I’m so grateful for my good friends, for their examples, for their happiness, for the kind acts of others, for good people, good food, good times, and good vibes.

Oh! and Portland was a pretty cool place as well… I did get to do some sight seeing, nothing too extensive ha and I also went shopping which was nice too

This weekend was just sweet in alotta ways.

I’m not saying it has to be soon, but I hope one day I get married too. Ha

Monday Mornings

This past week was so busy. So much had to be done, and I thought about a lot

This morning I woke up 15 minutes before class, and I went to class lookin’ real’ rachet. I also forgot my laptop charger on my way out the door and ran back for it making me late for class. Then after class I forgot that I didn’t have my license. Then when I sat down to do my homework I remembered I didn’t have my ear phones. Now I’m left to my petty thoughts while I do my homework and well, boo.

But “It’s a beautiful day to save lives”, least that’s what Dr. Shepherd would say. And I’m not saving lives but it’s still a good day.  So with that said…

This past Thursday was the Fourth of July. And I love this country. To know that my grandparents immigrate to the United States of America to pave the way for my parents, and their siblings to achieve all that it is this country has to offer. To know that this country allowed them to build their own American Dream, to build their own legacy. I am so fortunate, privileged to be an American. I support our troops. My father ensures my safety, and my family’s by serving. He fights for us. I have experienced some of the toll it takes on a military family so that he may serve. I believe all of us should serve, perhaps not in a military branch but we all should contribute to this county to make it a better place.

For class we discussed fatherhood. I had to write a whole paper on it. I had to explain the relation between certain masculine ideals to the importance of becoming a father. But by the end of all the research basically it all tells us that all men are different. Which should be good news, to the women online. ;P The research only provided broad generalizations of men. Most research concluded that, “Because we have no measures of how men are conceptualizing fatherhood we cannot anticipate what the…importance of fatherhood should be.”

So is fatherhood important? Yes. Yes, it is. At least I would say so. Are all of us fortunate enough to experience a positive influence from our biological father? No, no we aren’t. Maybe in a perfect world, and if the men were perfect then we would.

But the world isn’t like that, shocker.

I don’t want to brag about how lucky I am to have the father that I do because well no one wants to hear about all my good fortune. But one thing I will say is that the way my father was raised contributed a lot to how he decided not to raise me. I think that is something to focus on. We all have different experiences when it comes to parents, and some may not be the flowers, rainbows, and sunshine like other peoples’. But we forgive them for their lack of whatever the hell it was they lacked and take note of what you will do and what you won’t because then you will be able to provide a better environment for your children.

We have two opportunities in this life to have a good family experience. The one you are born into and then the one you create. Make the most of it.

So after all the research that I’ve done and all the comparing that I’ve done I suppose the whole “what I learned and can apply to my own life” part would be that the qualities of a man I’d like as well as qualities in a relationship that I want were refined quite a bit.

And since I can I just make a list of what it is that I want:

• I want a strong man. Physically strong is important but it isn’t necessarily vital. I mean strong as in able to bear the responsibilities that come with being a husband and becoming a father.
• Someone smart. Intelligence is important and just as important is wisdom. Someone who can fix a leak, change the oil, take out the trash. He should be able to guide me, and help me make important decisions. All that manly stuff that men should know. Haha
• He’s gotta be caring. He’s gotta care about me and I’ve gotta know that. My dad never hesitated to tell me how much he loved me, and most of the time the occasion never called for it. He just told me.
• He has to be loving. He should be passionate about things. He should love hard. I mean he should love me hard 😉 , haha okay seriously though…
• He should be faithful. Faithful to God. Faithful to me. Faithful to his covenants. Faithful to his vows. Faithful to his promises. Faithful to our family. I know that’s a lot but these men exist. Maybe not to the highest level when you meet him but if its right he’ll become better, and so will you.
• He has to be able to provide. Provide for me, for our family, for himself. He has to take care of himself too. I know having a family can be a sacrifice, but we all know that if mother is happy then the home is happy. If mother is taking care of herself then she will be more able to enjoy the role of being a mother. I don’t think that it’s any different for a father.
• I want him to be involved with the family. I want him to be apart of the lives of my children. I don’t want him to work all the time with no play. Being involved with the children will allow them to know him. I want my kids to know their father. I know because of my good relationship with my father I’ve been shaped by that – in a positive way.
• I want us to be united in all our decisions. I want us to be able to express what we feel is important for our family and I want us to reach a consensus on how to proceed. – I know that that means there will be conflict and that there may be disagreements but if our values and goals are the same then as long as we reach them the conflict will be worth it when we get there.
• And before I forget!!! Which I kinda did forget.. is that he has to hilarious! He has to make me laugh, he has to make me giggle, he has to make me smile – I mean have you seen my smile?!! I have a really nice smile! I’m not gloating I’m just stating a fact… But seriously though he has to be funny and maybe more importantly he should probably think I’m funny. 🙂

I know I could go on, and babble about what I think is important for a man to be before I would marry him but that’s not all too important.Partly because I don’t want to get married but mostly because all women are different. And I’m sure if research were done on this kinda stuff they’d reach the same conclusion that all women are different and want different things therefore they wouldn’t be able to conclude what was important to women for a man to be.

One thing however is sure that whatever kind of person it is that you want, you have to become. I can’t expect all the attributes above but be nothing but a slob with no ambition just living at home, not showering, not living the kind of life where I could potentially meet the guy of my dreams. The not showering thing and not brushing your teeth thing is a little extreme I know.

I mean if I’m living a certain way naturally my definition of a decent man might change according to what’s currently available, but the definition of a good man in terms of society, or a good man as a whole does not vary on location. All men are different but the definition of a good man isn’t, least I don’t think so… Maybe that’s a false generalization.. But..

With all that in mind I think that something to ponder on is this: If they aren’t helping you dream bigger. Inspiring you to work harder. Motivating you to be better .. then perhaps you might not need them. Don’t let people “chill” in your life, their presence needs a purpose.

President Ezra Taft Benson once said, “One good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?”

Sometimes we can’t help who we fall in love with. But I know that whoever it is that we choose to be with must inspire us to be more than we think we are even capable of being.

Let us be more. We are God’s greatest creation, and there isn’t anything we cannot accomplish through Him.

And I know it isn’t Father’s Day, long past it. But the topic was Fatherhood so it’s fitting that I post a video clip about it.

&to my father – thank you for being more than you probably thought you could be. you raised me right, you did alright dad. xoxo

Doctrine and Covenants Class Today

So completely different class… But today in class my teacher closed with some profound things. We were talking about Joseph Smith and how he had lost the 116 pages.

But to back track I was preparing for class by reading the material and doing the assignment this morning. As I read I could feel the love Heavenly Father had for Joseph, for this work, and for me. It was just the best feeling.

Anyways back to class… we discussed a lot really but at the end of class my professor said, “Joseph Smith is an example of a man that fell but was redeemed because he chose to repent… God made a man stronger than he was.” I really felt the Spirit when my professor, Brother Williams, said that.

I have always found it comforting to know that God is merciful enough to forgive even the greatest of debts.

I guess since this is my blog, and I’m supposed to be blogging that I would just blog about that today.

After class today I felt so uplifted. It wasn’t one of those shout my testimony from the Emipire State building but more of a whisper it to yourself… and perhaps blog about it feeling.

I am so grateful for Joseph Smith, and for all he did so that this Gospel could be here for me. And to bless my life, my family’s life, and everyone who will hear it – their life too.

I know that God sent His son to die for me. I know that Christ suffered and died for me, and He is my Savior, Brother, and Friend. I know He knows me perfectly, and that through the Atonement I have the power to change. I know that this Gospel is true.

I know it, love it, and live it.

 

 

A Lil’ Bit ‘Bout Myself

This is extremely difficult for me to just type knowing that I have the opportunity to share my journey through this crazy thing called life with the world wide web. I don’t know how I feel about people reading it… And I’m not sure where to actually start. SO let’s start with my name and a little bit about myself…
My name is Amy Jasmine Perez. I like to travel, try new things, and to meet new people. I love to eat, to run, to sleep, and watch movies. I talk too much, smile too often, and laugh too loud. I live for today and am geared towards tomorrow. I attend college at Brigham Young University- Idaho AND, why yes, I am a Mormon.
This little blog of mine has all began as an assignment for my religion class: Family Relations. But who’s to say I won’t become an avid blogger this way! So this blog will be my online journal &for my petty thoughts. I am a tad bit over whelmed with this whole idea but I also have a lot to say… so just maybe this will be a little fun for me to write and a tiny bit more fun for you to read!