college

Update: Amy’s Life

Currently looking for an internship and if anyone has any bright ideas let me know! I would really appreciate it. My friend had an interview for an internship with the Today Show but didn’t go to the interview. How dare he! How could he miss such a grand opportunity! I would kill just to get Al Roker’s coffee in the morning!

Also work is killing me slowly. 6 days a week, with school and homework, and no life- something’s gotta give and my grades are slowly struggling to stay straight A’s like they usually are.

I hope to make it past this semester so in the fall I can hopefully manage things better than I have. I mean I’ve done well so far but I need more sleep and so my grades are slowly starting to suffer.

The weather is also really nice and I can’t wait until school is out so I can spend my days at the sand bar and my nights at BK.

Another new thing is that I have a boyfriend.

And for the first few days (first week, honestly) I didn’t really feel like a girlfriend, not that I know exactly how a girlfriend should feel, and I was panicking because well.. I’m so young,and this is new, and I’m not ready for anything serious – because it seems to me that I’ve only ever really committed to myself, BK, and my friends and family…

But I like this boy.. and when you like a boy being their girlfriend is like the ultimate privilege?

So within the past week I have come to realize that my communication skills are not exactly above anyone else’s when it comes to relationships – I think.

This past week I was really afraid of the whole idea of being exclusive, I knew I wanted to be with this boy but I didn’t know if I wanted to be exclusive because that would mean no more other boys and what if I didn’t want that? Heaven knows I like options.

But thankfully, this boy and I can talk about everything and I’m not afraid to tell him my concerns. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but he’s also really patient.

Which is a plus for me.

After we talked for what felt like forever, I felt better, I mean I felt vulnerable because he knows all my concerns and where these concerns derived from. but somehow for whatever reason he still wants me around.

“Why’d you pick me over all the other girls you know?”
“Because I like listening to you more than the others.”

The epitome of simple. And I like it.

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What Do I Know

I am being completely honest when I say I don’t know much about anything. I don’t remember anything for very long. I don’t know random mind blowing facts about the universe.

And I wouldn’t say that I’m not smart, but I definitely wouldn’t say that I am brilliant.

Although the things I do know may seem few… I think it’ll have to do…

I don’t necessarily tend to share my religious beliefs all the time but today I am, so you can skip this post if you’d like but if you’d like to know what I know to be true then keep reading.

These past few weeks have been up and down, and a little crazy. Some days I do all my homework for the week, others I sleep too much, or I work 15 hours at BK.

#noregrets

But as I’ve reflected on it all it’s been pretty nice.

With that said I just wanted to let you know that God lives. And He loves us so much that He provided a way to free us from the bonds of sin.
He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for us. Christ knows our sorrows perfectly.
Even if you and I were to commit the same sin because the repercussions of that sin would effect us differently Christ suffered for that same sin twice and experienced our different pain, remorse and sorrow for that same exact sin.
I am just so grateful that our Savior was so willing to suffer and die for us so that we could be free.
Ha if you know me or my blogs at all you know that all I ever want is to be free.
Free of debt, of fear, of sadness, of responsibility, of sin. And through the Atonement we can be at peace.
Every day I wanna be better and through the Atonement I can be.
God lives. He loves us. Jesus is the Christ. And I just wanted to share this message with you. It’ll bring happiness to everyone that is in search of a greater meaning in their life.
I mean that’s what its done for me.

The Why

So sometimes during our day to day grind we tap out. I shouldn’t speak for everyone.. but I know that I tap out.

Especially recently. Don’t get me wrong the college grind isn’t difficult by any means once you get into a groove of prep, class, homework, work, no sleep, repeat. And I love my major, I do.

But recently within lets say the last two weeks I’ve forgotten the why. Why I chose journalism.

I write for the school newspaper and I enjoy it when things work out. When I get the interviews I need and the articles write themselves, and I can meet my deadlines without stress.

But the last two weeks that hasn’t been the case at all. My last two stories no one was willing or available to speak with me. And it was frustrating. For two weeks I didn’t have a story to share. And because I’m easily discouraged I became quite concerned that I had made a mistake. That journalism wasn’t right and I should switch to PR.

This week however I was given a topic and people were available for me to speak with and today I interviewed a gentleman about his art.

I have a great appreciation for the arts and a love for design. So after taking a gander at his illustrations I was naturally really interested in his inspiration and process.

I hadn’t done an interview in two weeks and I’m still trying to “master the method” if you will… And I was really concerned that I would get stumped, run out of questions too soon and it would just suck.

But that didn’t happen. Until the end.

As I was thanking him for his time, his prophetic insights and advice, he asked me what the angle my article was going to take. I thought that was odd because I do the majority of the asking during these types of things… So I told him about the angle I was planning to take.

He asked me about my passion for writing, and as taken a back as I was I still managed to answer the question.

He then paused thoughtfully and said, “Miss Perez you didn’t ask the most important question.”

Now I was really concerned… I looked at my notes.. I paused and reflected on our conversation, and I was certain I had asked every question I had thought of before hand.

So in response I said, “What is the most important question Mr. Kerr?”

And his simple response was, “The why.”

He then began to explain the why behind his art.

After all this I walked away feeling enlightened, elated, and perhaps I’d go as far to say even uplifted.

T H E W H Y

I was humbled by this experience.

This semester as I’ve been writing for the newspaper I have struggled with creating stimulating questions to ask my interviewee so that they think I am prepared, intelligent, and concise. But in doing so I lost sight of my natural curiosity. And the why I chose this major.

Today I was reminded of the why I chose this major.

I chose this major because I am a curious being and I want to hear peoples’ stories. So I in turn can share their stories with others.

Animals are born with an inherit ability to know what it is they are meant to do. Whereas we learn from experiences. Whether that is through our own or through the experiences of others.

I love to write. I love to share my experiences with the internet, obvi. And I love journalism because I get to learn about peoples’ profound thoughts or life changing experiences and get the opportunity to share it with others.

So here’s to hoping I don’t forget the why, ever again.

& here’s to being curious!

xoxo

Remember That List?

So remember that one time I said I would blog for 50 days straight about random crap but never actually finished it? Well I’m going to continue with that list today – so the topic is “Your first love, and don’t skip the dirty details

Growing up all I wanted was to be cool, and to me at the time I thought that all the cool kids seemed to be falling in love. I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. But what I didn’t know was what love actually was, and I’d be lying if I said that I had a firm idea of what love is now that I’m a little older. However I do have a better idea of what it isn’t, thank goodness.

So the first time I thought I was in love was when I was a senior in high school. His name was Jorge. And oh how I thought I loved him. And since I can’t skip all the awkward details the world is about to know all about the first time I thought I was in love and it’s just embarrassing…

Don’t get me wrong Jorge was and is a wonderful person. He was funny, kind, thoughtful, and generous. He was a good listener and he always knew what to say. He was the only constant in my life. He never judged me, and he only ever wanted to be there for me. 

We started out as friends, and we would talk all day every day. I couldn’t even tell you why, except the fact that that’s just what we did. 

Oh we were also a long distance relationship. He lived in Fresno and I lived in Las Vegas, NV. Lemme tell you that wasn’t easy at all.

But anyways we would text all day, talk on the phone all night, I told him everything. Haha bless his heart, he listened to me ramble all day every day. And then in April he asked me to be his girlfriend and naturally I didn’t see why not, so I said yes.

We dated for awhile, and I knew how I felt about him! And at the time I really felt in love with him. He was a genuinely good person who wanted to be better, and wanted to make me better. We said the L word, it was easy, it was bliss, we had plans to move in together, and I was just ready for us to be together all the time!

But as time progressed it became more difficult for us to find time for each other and I just either wanted to be with him in Fresno or to just end it because it was becoming too hard to be with someone that I couldn’t actually see as often as I wanted.

I had no doubts about my feelings for him but I did begin to question his feelings for me. He couldn’t get away to take me to prom, and he couldn’t get away to come to my high school graduation. He also couldn’t get away for my grandparents 50th anniversary and as understanding as I tried to be we both knew I was frustrated. 

After graduation I moved with my family back to Colorado, and even though I still had strong feelings for him there was no way we were going to last with so much distance between us. 

We had “the” talk and ever so slowly we drifted about, and now there are only memories of what we were. Although on occasion he’ll send me a random snap chat of his dog…

Point is love is a sweet thing, and I don’t want to use the word “fear” to describe how I feel about “falling in love” but perhaps for lack of better words I am afraid that it’ll happen to me for real and I won’t have a clue what to do about it.

Homework is a Ho & She Know She Bad

Homework in college is nothing like homework in high school. In high school you can decide not to do it and sleep easy but in college you can decide not to do your homework, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll lose sleep.

I procrastinate my homework up until midnight for no good reason and then stay up until the crack of butt to finish it because the idea of actually not doing my homework scares the shit outta me. 

A perfect example would be tonight. I am currently procrastinating my homework solely to blog about how bad homework really can be. And she can be pretty bad.

Today is Tuesday and I took Tuesday off from work so I could work on my homework and get some sleep for once… Because usually Tuesdays are my busiest days and I typically wake up at 8:50 am and run from place to place on campus trying to accomplish everything I need to accomplish before I run into work and get home at 1 am and do homework until 4 or 5 am wake up at 7:50 am to run to class at 8 and continuing running until well after 5 pm, but this week was going to be different! I was going to be productive! So I could sleep!

Ask me what I’ve done today… nothing remotely productive… I mean I did stuff but didn’t finish anything except for my dinner.. so that tells you I haven’t gotten very ahead with my homework for the week

I have to go to work tomorrow and I honestly dread the idea of putting on my uniform – mostly because I haven’t washed it since I wore it last..

I’m halfway done with the semester and I can’t wait until the only thing I have to do it wash my work uniform… it’s sad that that is what I have to look forward to.

And I’m not saying I don’t live a good life but gosh I wish my life were more exciting! When was the last time I did something scary?! Or something new?! Or read a new book? Or got outta town?! THAT WASN’T FOR A GRADE

I hope when I get outta school I’ll make time for things that I wanna do and don’t need to do

But until then, back to the daily grind

xoxo

Late Night Rambles

Today I went to lunch with one of my very dear, and close friends of mine. She’s the best! (The one that got married in Portland, if you remember) 

And while we were at dinner naturally we ended up talking about my parents’ divorce. And for the past month I have been struggling with recent course of events. It’s just been really hard for me to accept.

It will sound nutty but it’s been “interesting” to experience the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. Some days I was really angry, and silently lashing out at everyone and everything. I was angry. Just. So. Angry. So much frustration. I had never been so upset, and I had never misdirected my anger towards God. 

The amount of sorrow that I’ve experienced put me at a loss for words. I wanted to cry, a lot. But crying only ever made me more angry, and it never seemed to help.

And of course I wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it because my emotions were never the same. One day I’d feel a certain way while the next I would feel a different way.

For a time I found myself angry with God. Angry that this was happening, angry that my parents hadn’t made the best decisions that they could have through out their marriage, and angry that I wasn’t coming to terms with the situation.

All I wanted was peace. P E A C E. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I wanted to find comfort. But I didn’t want to ask God for that. I didn’t want to ask Him because I was angry. And I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was angry with God. How ridiculous would I sound? Who could I have told that wouldn’t think I was being unreasonable? Which I knew I was deliberately choosing not to pray for comfort,and choosing not to be happy.

But thankfully, God has placed the right people in my life that allowed me to find a safe place to confide my feelings. And they understood. 

Since then I’ve let go of my anger. I may have to make the decision everyday but by doing so I’ve been able to be happier and more at peace. 

I’ve realized that it isn’t God’s fault that my parents are deciding to handle their relationship the way that they are. It isn’t by God’s will that my parents get divorced. They still have their agency they are making the choices that they have thus far, and ’til the end it’ll always be their decision. 

I’m thankful for God’s patience. I’m thankful for His love, kindness, and mercy. God is so merciful. His mercy knows no bounds. He has continued to bless me through this difficult time even when He was fully aware of how angry I was with Him. I’m thankful that He knew I could and would come to terms with the situation. And I’ve been able to recognize the love He has for me is never ending by taking into account the blessings He’s bestowed upon me even when all I thought I wanted was to be alone. 

I know God lives. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. I know I am imperfect. I know that I am flawed. I know that in alotta ways I could be considered the worst. I know that I have so much to work on. But I know that God has prepared the way for me to return to Him. I know that He sent His son to die for me. And I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m so grateful that not only does it help the bad man become good it also helps the good man become better. 

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel restored to the earth. I also know that I am the farthest perfect person there ever was, but I know that without a doubt I wouldn’t leave this Gospel for anything else. The blessings of this Gospel when we are obedient far out weigh the pleasures the world can offer us.

I normally don’t post stuff like this but it’s been on my mind so there we go.

 

Oh the Trials We Face

So the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through… 

It’s kind of hard to pin point one particular event. Not that my whole life has been hard. Most of the things I’ve gone through I would say is because I made poor decisions and the consequences that followed were difficult to endure.

With that said I’ve been thinking about things that I didn’t have control over, and had to endure anyways.

Which was even harder because I like to think that God has been more than fair to me thus far even with all my knuckle headed decisions that I’ve made.

So as of right now the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, or should I say, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with is what I find myself dealing with right now.

My parents’ separation and divorce.

Within recent months my parents have begun to struggle more and more with their growing differences. And yes, I do realize that I have blogged about this subject quite a bit. And no, I don’t think I’ll apologize for that.

Now within the next month my parents will be separating for good. I am 20 years old. They’ve been married for 21 years. And within the next month they’ll be separated. 

My world in upside down and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to talk to them because they just sound so sad. But I miss my family, but I can’t find myself wanting to talk to my parents.And I just wanna cry all the time. But I also don’t want to talk about it. 

I find myself sad. I find that I want to be alone, but not really by myself. I want to tell my friends how I feel, but I don’t want their advice. I want to be with my siblings, but I don’t want to be the one to call them first. I want to eat my feelings, but I don’t have an appetite.

I’m just trying to cope, but I don’t know how.

Now let’s get something straight… I don’t blame myself in any way for my parents’ divorce. I understand that they’re unhappy, and naturally I want my parents to be happy. But I can’t help but wonder if this is happening shouldn’t it have happened sooner? And how long have they really been unhappy?

Although I knew they had been struggling within the last year I guess I was just hopeful. Hopeful that they’d bounce back like they always do or like so-and-so’s parents did because even though peoples’ parents get divorce yours aren’t supposed to.

It may have been foolish to think that if I had been good this year they’d just.. I dunno fall back in love with each other and die happily ever after.

And “happily ever after” doesn’t happen for everyone but it should, it should for your parents. That’s your expectation! That was my expectation. After all the trials they face that seem to never cease at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter because “I love you” would be the last words they’d say to each other every night.

No one sets out to fail at marriage, no one gets married thinking that at some point it’ll end. At least I dunno anyone like that. And it isn’t fair of me to ask my parents to try again, or to continue trying but gosh I wish it would be fair… because maybe I would ask.

Maybe I idolized their whole story a little too much. Maybe the way my father described the first time he saw my mother inspired me too much to believe in that kinda love. Or maybe the way my mother used to praise my father for being such a good man created a false sense of security that nothing would ever change. Which probably isn’t true because I see that kind of love and security with other couples. And it sucks, it sucks to see that your parents don’t have that anymore. 

I guess that your parents’ marriage plays a large part in the foundation of your life. The way they feel about each other means something to your own well-being, for better or worse. The way they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why I think I’m having such a difficult time with all this.

By definition I am an adult and as an adult I thought that I’d be able to handle all the truths about my parents’ marriage. That I would be able to handle and accept all the facets and faults of their marriage from beginning to end. That there would be more pros to being an “adult” during this time. I am now thinking that might not entirely be the case.

Now that I am an adult the truth is, is that I am not and cannot be sheltered from any secrets that my parents have been hiding for quite some time. I have a greater understanding of what things can, can’t, do, and don’t mean. You may not have to publicly announce whose side you’re on but with the plethora of information you inadvertently do which may or may not bring you unhappiness. And by may or may not I mean, yes yes it does. 

And I ain’t down to be unhappy. I told my roommate today that I was tired of being a sad puss all the time. I don’t want to be sad. I’m not destined to end up like my parents. I can decide to be just like, better, or worse than them. 

I want them to know that I love them and I won’t love them any less after their divorce. I do want them to be happy.

My friend says that, “In some ways, you’ll never get over it” and I believe that. But I don’t want to be emotionally crippled by their decision to separate.

So there you go… the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.. ha

Up next… *drum roll* 9 things I just can’t handle

xoxo