So the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through…
It’s kind of hard to pin point one particular event. Not that my whole life has been hard. Most of the things I’ve gone through I would say is because I made poor decisions and the consequences that followed were difficult to endure.
With that said I’ve been thinking about things that I didn’t have control over, and had to endure anyways.
Which was even harder because I like to think that God has been more than fair to me thus far even with all my knuckle headed decisions that I’ve made.
So as of right now the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, or should I say, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with is what I find myself dealing with right now.
My parents’ separation and divorce.
Within recent months my parents have begun to struggle more and more with their growing differences. And yes, I do realize that I have blogged about this subject quite a bit. And no, I don’t think I’ll apologize for that.
Now within the next month my parents will be separating for good. I am 20 years old. They’ve been married for 21 years. And within the next month they’ll be separated.
My world in upside down and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to talk to them because they just sound so sad. But I miss my family, but I can’t find myself wanting to talk to my parents.And I just wanna cry all the time. But I also don’t want to talk about it.
I find myself sad. I find that I want to be alone, but not really by myself. I want to tell my friends how I feel, but I don’t want their advice. I want to be with my siblings, but I don’t want to be the one to call them first. I want to eat my feelings, but I don’t have an appetite.
I’m just trying to cope, but I don’t know how.
Now let’s get something straight… I don’t blame myself in any way for my parents’ divorce. I understand that they’re unhappy, and naturally I want my parents to be happy. But I can’t help but wonder if this is happening shouldn’t it have happened sooner? And how long have they really been unhappy?
Although I knew they had been struggling within the last year I guess I was just hopeful. Hopeful that they’d bounce back like they always do or like so-and-so’s parents did because even though peoples’ parents get divorce yours aren’t supposed to.
It may have been foolish to think that if I had been good this year they’d just.. I dunno fall back in love with each other and die happily ever after.
And “happily ever after” doesn’t happen for everyone but it should, it should for your parents. That’s your expectation! That was my expectation. After all the trials they face that seem to never cease at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter because “I love you” would be the last words they’d say to each other every night.
No one sets out to fail at marriage, no one gets married thinking that at some point it’ll end. At least I dunno anyone like that. And it isn’t fair of me to ask my parents to try again, or to continue trying but gosh I wish it would be fair… because maybe I would ask.
Maybe I idolized their whole story a little too much. Maybe the way my father described the first time he saw my mother inspired me too much to believe in that kinda love. Or maybe the way my mother used to praise my father for being such a good man created a false sense of security that nothing would ever change. Which probably isn’t true because I see that kind of love and security with other couples. And it sucks, it sucks to see that your parents don’t have that anymore.
I guess that your parents’ marriage plays a large part in the foundation of your life. The way they feel about each other means something to your own well-being, for better or worse. The way they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why I think I’m having such a difficult time with all this.
By definition I am an adult and as an adult I thought that I’d be able to handle all the truths about my parents’ marriage. That I would be able to handle and accept all the facets and faults of their marriage from beginning to end. That there would be more pros to being an “adult” during this time. I am now thinking that might not entirely be the case.
Now that I am an adult the truth is, is that I am not and cannot be sheltered from any secrets that my parents have been hiding for quite some time. I have a greater understanding of what things can, can’t, do, and don’t mean. You may not have to publicly announce whose side you’re on but with the plethora of information you inadvertently do which may or may not bring you unhappiness. And by may or may not I mean, yes yes it does.
And I ain’t down to be unhappy. I told my roommate today that I was tired of being a sad puss all the time. I don’t want to be sad. I’m not destined to end up like my parents. I can decide to be just like, better, or worse than them.
I want them to know that I love them and I won’t love them any less after their divorce. I do want them to be happy.
My friend says that, “In some ways, you’ll never get over it” and I believe that. But I don’t want to be emotionally crippled by their decision to separate.
So there you go… the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.. ha
Up next… *drum roll* 9 things I just can’t handle