Late Night Rambles

Today I went to lunch with one of my very dear, and close friends of mine. She’s the best! (The one that got married in Portland, if you remember) 

And while we were at dinner naturally we ended up talking about my parents’ divorce. And for the past month I have been struggling with recent course of events. It’s just been really hard for me to accept.

It will sound nutty but it’s been “interesting” to experience the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. Some days I was really angry, and silently lashing out at everyone and everything. I was angry. Just. So. Angry. So much frustration. I had never been so upset, and I had never misdirected my anger towards God. 

The amount of sorrow that I’ve experienced put me at a loss for words. I wanted to cry, a lot. But crying only ever made me more angry, and it never seemed to help.

And of course I wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it because my emotions were never the same. One day I’d feel a certain way while the next I would feel a different way.

For a time I found myself angry with God. Angry that this was happening, angry that my parents hadn’t made the best decisions that they could have through out their marriage, and angry that I wasn’t coming to terms with the situation.

All I wanted was peace. P E A C E. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I wanted to find comfort. But I didn’t want to ask God for that. I didn’t want to ask Him because I was angry. And I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was angry with God. How ridiculous would I sound? Who could I have told that wouldn’t think I was being unreasonable? Which I knew I was deliberately choosing not to pray for comfort,and choosing not to be happy.

But thankfully, God has placed the right people in my life that allowed me to find a safe place to confide my feelings. And they understood. 

Since then I’ve let go of my anger. I may have to make the decision everyday but by doing so I’ve been able to be happier and more at peace. 

I’ve realized that it isn’t God’s fault that my parents are deciding to handle their relationship the way that they are. It isn’t by God’s will that my parents get divorced. They still have their agency they are making the choices that they have thus far, and ’til the end it’ll always be their decision. 

I’m thankful for God’s patience. I’m thankful for His love, kindness, and mercy. God is so merciful. His mercy knows no bounds. He has continued to bless me through this difficult time even when He was fully aware of how angry I was with Him. I’m thankful that He knew I could and would come to terms with the situation. And I’ve been able to recognize the love He has for me is never ending by taking into account the blessings He’s bestowed upon me even when all I thought I wanted was to be alone. 

I know God lives. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. I know I am imperfect. I know that I am flawed. I know that in alotta ways I could be considered the worst. I know that I have so much to work on. But I know that God has prepared the way for me to return to Him. I know that He sent His son to die for me. And I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m so grateful that not only does it help the bad man become good it also helps the good man become better. 

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel restored to the earth. I also know that I am the farthest perfect person there ever was, but I know that without a doubt I wouldn’t leave this Gospel for anything else. The blessings of this Gospel when we are obedient far out weigh the pleasures the world can offer us.

I normally don’t post stuff like this but it’s been on my mind so there we go.

 

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