Family

Late Night Rambles

Today I went to lunch with one of my very dear, and close friends of mine. She’s the best! (The one that got married in Portland, if you remember) 

And while we were at dinner naturally we ended up talking about my parents’ divorce. And for the past month I have been struggling with recent course of events. It’s just been really hard for me to accept.

It will sound nutty but it’s been “interesting” to experience the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. Some days I was really angry, and silently lashing out at everyone and everything. I was angry. Just. So. Angry. So much frustration. I had never been so upset, and I had never misdirected my anger towards God. 

The amount of sorrow that I’ve experienced put me at a loss for words. I wanted to cry, a lot. But crying only ever made me more angry, and it never seemed to help.

And of course I wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it because my emotions were never the same. One day I’d feel a certain way while the next I would feel a different way.

For a time I found myself angry with God. Angry that this was happening, angry that my parents hadn’t made the best decisions that they could have through out their marriage, and angry that I wasn’t coming to terms with the situation.

All I wanted was peace. P E A C E. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I wanted to find comfort. But I didn’t want to ask God for that. I didn’t want to ask Him because I was angry. And I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was angry with God. How ridiculous would I sound? Who could I have told that wouldn’t think I was being unreasonable? Which I knew I was deliberately choosing not to pray for comfort,and choosing not to be happy.

But thankfully, God has placed the right people in my life that allowed me to find a safe place to confide my feelings. And they understood. 

Since then I’ve let go of my anger. I may have to make the decision everyday but by doing so I’ve been able to be happier and more at peace. 

I’ve realized that it isn’t God’s fault that my parents are deciding to handle their relationship the way that they are. It isn’t by God’s will that my parents get divorced. They still have their agency they are making the choices that they have thus far, and ’til the end it’ll always be their decision. 

I’m thankful for God’s patience. I’m thankful for His love, kindness, and mercy. God is so merciful. His mercy knows no bounds. He has continued to bless me through this difficult time even when He was fully aware of how angry I was with Him. I’m thankful that He knew I could and would come to terms with the situation. And I’ve been able to recognize the love He has for me is never ending by taking into account the blessings He’s bestowed upon me even when all I thought I wanted was to be alone. 

I know God lives. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. I know I am imperfect. I know that I am flawed. I know that in alotta ways I could be considered the worst. I know that I have so much to work on. But I know that God has prepared the way for me to return to Him. I know that He sent His son to die for me. And I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m so grateful that not only does it help the bad man become good it also helps the good man become better. 

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel restored to the earth. I also know that I am the farthest perfect person there ever was, but I know that without a doubt I wouldn’t leave this Gospel for anything else. The blessings of this Gospel when we are obedient far out weigh the pleasures the world can offer us.

I normally don’t post stuff like this but it’s been on my mind so there we go.

 

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Oh the Trials We Face

So the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through… 

It’s kind of hard to pin point one particular event. Not that my whole life has been hard. Most of the things I’ve gone through I would say is because I made poor decisions and the consequences that followed were difficult to endure.

With that said I’ve been thinking about things that I didn’t have control over, and had to endure anyways.

Which was even harder because I like to think that God has been more than fair to me thus far even with all my knuckle headed decisions that I’ve made.

So as of right now the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, or should I say, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with is what I find myself dealing with right now.

My parents’ separation and divorce.

Within recent months my parents have begun to struggle more and more with their growing differences. And yes, I do realize that I have blogged about this subject quite a bit. And no, I don’t think I’ll apologize for that.

Now within the next month my parents will be separating for good. I am 20 years old. They’ve been married for 21 years. And within the next month they’ll be separated. 

My world in upside down and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to talk to them because they just sound so sad. But I miss my family, but I can’t find myself wanting to talk to my parents.And I just wanna cry all the time. But I also don’t want to talk about it. 

I find myself sad. I find that I want to be alone, but not really by myself. I want to tell my friends how I feel, but I don’t want their advice. I want to be with my siblings, but I don’t want to be the one to call them first. I want to eat my feelings, but I don’t have an appetite.

I’m just trying to cope, but I don’t know how.

Now let’s get something straight… I don’t blame myself in any way for my parents’ divorce. I understand that they’re unhappy, and naturally I want my parents to be happy. But I can’t help but wonder if this is happening shouldn’t it have happened sooner? And how long have they really been unhappy?

Although I knew they had been struggling within the last year I guess I was just hopeful. Hopeful that they’d bounce back like they always do or like so-and-so’s parents did because even though peoples’ parents get divorce yours aren’t supposed to.

It may have been foolish to think that if I had been good this year they’d just.. I dunno fall back in love with each other and die happily ever after.

And “happily ever after” doesn’t happen for everyone but it should, it should for your parents. That’s your expectation! That was my expectation. After all the trials they face that seem to never cease at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter because “I love you” would be the last words they’d say to each other every night.

No one sets out to fail at marriage, no one gets married thinking that at some point it’ll end. At least I dunno anyone like that. And it isn’t fair of me to ask my parents to try again, or to continue trying but gosh I wish it would be fair… because maybe I would ask.

Maybe I idolized their whole story a little too much. Maybe the way my father described the first time he saw my mother inspired me too much to believe in that kinda love. Or maybe the way my mother used to praise my father for being such a good man created a false sense of security that nothing would ever change. Which probably isn’t true because I see that kind of love and security with other couples. And it sucks, it sucks to see that your parents don’t have that anymore. 

I guess that your parents’ marriage plays a large part in the foundation of your life. The way they feel about each other means something to your own well-being, for better or worse. The way they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why I think I’m having such a difficult time with all this.

By definition I am an adult and as an adult I thought that I’d be able to handle all the truths about my parents’ marriage. That I would be able to handle and accept all the facets and faults of their marriage from beginning to end. That there would be more pros to being an “adult” during this time. I am now thinking that might not entirely be the case.

Now that I am an adult the truth is, is that I am not and cannot be sheltered from any secrets that my parents have been hiding for quite some time. I have a greater understanding of what things can, can’t, do, and don’t mean. You may not have to publicly announce whose side you’re on but with the plethora of information you inadvertently do which may or may not bring you unhappiness. And by may or may not I mean, yes yes it does. 

And I ain’t down to be unhappy. I told my roommate today that I was tired of being a sad puss all the time. I don’t want to be sad. I’m not destined to end up like my parents. I can decide to be just like, better, or worse than them. 

I want them to know that I love them and I won’t love them any less after their divorce. I do want them to be happy.

My friend says that, “In some ways, you’ll never get over it” and I believe that. But I don’t want to be emotionally crippled by their decision to separate.

So there you go… the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.. ha

Up next… *drum roll* 9 things I just can’t handle

xoxo

Moving on … out

So I know I said I would blog about everything on the list I posted but… I couldn’t think of the worst movie I’d ever seen.. Although Percy Jackson #2 was probably the worst this year.. and I don’t really have a favorite recipe.. except Crisco has the best Peanut Butter Cookie recipe..

Anyways I’ve made the command decision to skip those and blog about the day I moved out.

Not quite sure what day I moved out.. But when I left I only had three boxes

moving

 

Didn’t have much but I had a place to stay, I was headed to California! I couldn’t wait to live an adventure.

I was a little afraid I will admit… I didn’t think I could do it.. I actually was supposed to move out once or twice before I actually moved out.

And I thought about backing out again and you wanna know what my dad told me? Ha he called me and said, “This is what you’re going to do… you are going to drive down to Vegas with me tomorrow and in a few days you’ll be in California. You’re doing this.”

And that’s what I did… We drove to Vegas and I spent a few days there and then I was on my way to California I got pulled over for speeding.. My truck at the time didn’t have air conditioning and I swore I was going to die because it was so hot. I was going 95 mph in a 75 mph zone which really  isn’t that bad, right?

Anyways I got out of that ticket thankfully and when we finally arrived at my Uncle’s home I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to stay.

Moving out isn’t really moving out when you’re moving into a place where someone still wants to control you. Don’t get me wrong my Uncle’s family treated me tremendously well but it didn’t really feel like home. They weren’t ever home when I was, and it was lonely. But I guess all that time alone was good? I worked really hard on this thing called Personal Progress and that kept me busy until I bored and found the courage to take myself down to Institute all by myself.

The first time I went to Institute everyone there was so nice and I honestly didn’t think I’d fit in because well I wasn’t a very nice person. I just felt so out of place. But it was also the first time in a long time that I had ever felt the Spirit; not that I knew it was the Spirit that I was feeling… When I left Institute I got in my little truck feeling overwhelmed and so emotional that I cried. I called my older brother who was attending BYU-I and I just cried. I thought it was so silly. Like, why was I crying just because everyone was so nice to me?

Obviously I had a lot to learn.

I lived with my Uncle for less than a month and then I moved out and moved in with a LDS family, whose daughter had invited me to stay.

Living with them provided me a place where I could grow, I learned some important lessons while living in their home. I also became really good friends with their daughter. We actually still live together now.

After living at their home for about 8 months, I think? I moved away to college and I still had the same amount of stuff I had when I first moved out. I have found though that I’ve accumulated more stuff now that I’ve been in college for the last 2 years.

And I’ve really enjoyed college. The whole college experience has been a really fun ride. An adventure all its own.

I’d do it all again.

 

The First 4 Years

1. That thing that happened in high school that pretty much changed your life forever

So naturally high school is the first 4 years that inevitably changed my life. Do I think that high school typically changes everyone’s life? Eh, I wouldn’t be so bold to say that…

I can say at the time I tried to justify most of, if not all, my actions in high school as a time of experimenting. Pushing the limits if you will. 

And with that said, it should be no surprise that I experienced many things in high school that seemed to play a large part in how my life has changed. It isn’t easy trying to just narrow it down to just one.

So here are some key events in high school that well I don’t go very long without looking back on..

1.) Freshmen year – My dad was deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan and I may or may not have been picked on by “friends” while he was away, I cried a lot that year for a lot of reasons

2.) Sophomore year – Stopped crying started smoking and drinking, I was tired of feeling defeated. Tired of crying. I was angry, and everybody knew it.

3.) Junior year – Got really sick landed myself in the hospital, low point. Probably one of the most significant things I’ve experienced. The change wasn’t immediate but today when I look back and start thinking I was really living life then; and that I’m missing out now.. it isn’t long ’til I see myself there and I’m reminded why I don’t live that way anymore.

4.) Senior year – So I might not have made any changes by this year but have you heard that quote that says, “I don’t make the same mistake twice….I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.” Yes, well that would be the theme for my SR year and even the few months following. But towards the end of my senior year my younger brother was struggling with some real life things. IE suicidal thoughts, and even attempting suicide. I won’t go into depth because my little brother’s life doesn’t need to be shared but his trials indirectly caused me to seek refuge… Didn’t know where or how to find it but I found myself here as an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that family’s can be together forever. I was and am willing to do everything/anything to be eligible of such a blessing.

So I guess that was the big thing that really changed my life forever.

Until tomorrow
XOXO 

I’m back from the dead!

So I’m back from the dead! Not that I died, but I’ve just been “busy” traveling, lazy from all the food I’ve been eating, and tired from staying up all night watching Disney movies.

But I have a lot on my mind so let’s just get going…

1.) Super grateful that I’ve done well this past fall semester. Traveling home for Christmas was a crazy drive. Thankfully I had my older brother there to keep me calm while driving. I was really nervous. Driving through Wyoming in snow and ice is kinda scary.. well for me at least.. and I’m just a baby.. 

2.) Actually being home.. has been weird to say the least. Remember when I said divorce sucks? Well that hasn’t changed, ha it still does… Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and I’m not saying my parents didn’t do their best to keep the peace while we’ve been home because they have. They actually haven’t fought this whole time, but then again they haven’t really done much talking either. And I’m not sure what would be worse. There’s that saying, “Worry when I stop fighting because that means I’ve stopped caring.” Actually.. I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes at all but that’s the gist of it.. And it’s pretty heart breaking to see that your parents have entered a war where they don’t speak. I mean we haven’t spent any family time with everyone except for when we opened gifts and a few days later we tried to have lunch together.. Thank God for food otherwise we would’ve had to talk to each other ha Everything my parents say has a double meaning.. must be really hard to live that way.. I’m not mad at either of them, the main problem can’t possibly be blamed on one person alone. Father will blame mother for not being who he used to know, and Mother will blame father for not accepting who she is now. And we could all just blame pride and say that they just need to forgive each other and move forward but there are just so many things at play here that it couldn’t possibly play out that way. ‘Tis sad, Merry Christmas. Ha now that sounds bitter and maybe I am! Maybe I wanted to laugh a little more than I did this Christmas..

Dear Reader,

If you would like to redo Christmas for me that would be the very nicest thing anyone could ever do for me… this year.

Love, Amy

3.) Does it make me selfish that I’m thinking about redoing Christmas? Yes. It is. 

4.) I love my parents and I want them happy. And if they’re certain that separation is the answer then I may not support it and encourage them to reconsider but ultimately it’s their decision. I want to be involved, but how involved can a kid really be in their parents’ divorce without being a burden. Probably best to just get out of the way, and when everything is figured out I shouldn’t be affected in multiple ways just one, emotionally. Right? Because I don’t live with them, ha I pay a majority of my own bills and by majority I’m thinking all but insurance. IE Dental, and Health Insurance, I’d add car insurance but lucky me.. I still don’t have a car! haha

5.) At some point I need to make a real 2014 New Year Resolutions, ones that I can keep.. And I’ll make sure to blog about those soon…

6.) I would like a list of all the books I need to read this Winter Break, I never get to read as much as I’d like I always end up doing something else… IE eating, sleeping, sleeping, eating…

7.) I’ve gotta stop eating so much! I’m always H A N G R Y, it’s really not fair to those around me honestly..

8.) Back to relationships in general.. I’m not a Queen B with relationships but I was just thinking to myself last night.. that Man and wife are supposed to be equally yoked, they are supposed to get through the difficulties in life together, closer than they were before. Of course that’s easy for me to say because I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have a real job. You guys I just don’t wanna ‘eff up my marriage 20 years after getting married… Not that I’m about to get married to anyone..

Hanging out with my mother this past week has been nice, she tells me how proud she is of me. That she never thought I’d make the changes that I have, she didn’t think that I would be as successful as I have been. She told me that she thinks I’ll go far in life. That I’ve got everything going for me. She thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread and hey! that’s the nicest thing my mother has ever, ever said to me. Sadly it ended with, “Now Jasmine, don’t be like your mother. -for a lot of reasons- but don’t be like mommy and just, just be careful who you marry.” 

Isn’t that sad? I’m half my father, you know. Which I had to remind her that I’m not all hers, without Daddy there’d be no me, no children.

We all make mistakes. I mean well duh…

Poor Daddy, he told me that it sucks being around someone who is disappointed in you. “She’s disappointed,” he said, “with everything I am.”

Honestly I just think there is a lot of resentment between the two of them. Like instead of resenting their kids for everything they don’t have they resent each other for everything they don’t have, didn’t do, and everything they might not get to do. 

I want my parents together.. I want them to grow old together. I wish they could remember what brought them together and why they’ve been holding on for so long.

But I guess if it’s past the point where that’s an option I guess I’ll have to be a big girl and keep doing what’s right. 

I hope one day when my parents meet someone new (heaven forbid, just kidding…) ha that I can manage to accept that. I hope that they both find happiness when this is all over. I hope that I can be a good example to them, to my family, I hope that I can be kind to both of them, I hope I can be able to console both of them, I want to be there for my parents like they have been for me… I don’t know how I’ll do that but I’m sure we’ll just figure it out as we go.

2014 New Year Resolution #1: Love more, tell people what they mean to me and mean it when I say it

Happy Holidays everyone, may your new year be the best you’ve ever had.

One Love
XOXO

She got married!

Weddings are such happy days. I love weddings. The couple getting married are happy, their families are happy, the people attending the wedding are happy. Everyone is just so happy.

This weekend I got the opportunity to go to one of my dearest friend’s wedding. She got sealed in the Portland, Oregon temple.

(You check out what temples are here)

But anyways I got to drive 12 hours with another good friend of mine to go and see our friend, Kayla, get married.

Now let me take a moment to tell you a little bit about Kayla …

I met her my first semester of college and we were roommates. This girl was loud, happy, funny, and beautiful. My first semester was the most fun I’d ever had! She became like my college “mother”. Ha, I’d call her mom. At the end of the semester I figured that we’d part ways and we wouldn’t keep in touch; because well that happens and I’d never done the college thing before so I kept my expectations low.

But we’ve been friends ever since.

We lived together for another semester and then she graduated.

We got the chance to really grow closer together during her last semester. We served together in our church callings and her faith strengthened mine.

I learned so much from her.

Kayla always had me wondering if I could be any better today than I was yesterday.

So anyways she had met her husband a long time ago, they basically grew up together. He served a mission during my first semester and  she’d write him, we all knew she loved him then but these things take time… so when he got back they continued to date… I got to spend some time getting to know him. And I don’t think I could have dreamed of a better man for her. Derek, her husband, is just a good man. Good in every sense of the word. Good to her in every way. And well, they are good together.

So one thing finally led to another and they got engaged.

Few months later they were ready to get married.

And like I said I went to the wedding.

My heart was filled with the love they had for each other and the love everyone had for them.

And besides them walking out of the temple after being sealed for time and all eternity, the toasts at the lunch-in were probably my second favorite part of the wedding, and spending a little bit of time with all the people that loved Kayla and Derek was just great.

It was just such a tender weekend. My heart was filled. Ha, still full.

I’m so grateful for my good friends, for their examples, for their happiness, for the kind acts of others, for good people, good food, good times, and good vibes.

Oh! and Portland was a pretty cool place as well… I did get to do some sight seeing, nothing too extensive ha and I also went shopping which was nice too

This weekend was just sweet in alotta ways.

I’m not saying it has to be soon, but I hope one day I get married too. Ha

Colds Suck & so does Divorce

You think life is good, nothing can get you down!

And then these little buggies called “germs” just decide to camp out in your super hawt bod and then before you know it you’re sick.

S-I-C-K. And you’re miserable.

Boogers everywhere! You can’t swallow your own spit let alone medicine… Your whole body aches, you’re tired more than you already are… and you don’t want to go to class, but you’re a good student so you do but oh! the annoying people in class are definitely more annoying when you’re sick…

You’re cranky and no one can comfort you – least not really because you’re sick

And you sweat in your sleep, and your body’s disgusting… oh! and your voice is all deep and shakey and you sound like a grown man about to cry..

All this, thanks to the COMMON COLD. haha

I’d say it’s not that bad, but damnit it’s definitely not the best!

And then there’s divorce. And usually you don’t have to worry about it because your parents don’t get divorced. Just anyone that’s not your parents because your parents are like… Jim and Pam from the Office, or they’re like… Mickey and Minnie Mouse, or like.. Daisy and Donald Duck… or like Cinderella and Prince Who-ever and they don’t get divorced.

Even if your parents mention divorce you don’t really think that’s for real-iezzz because they love each other.. people who love each other don’t get divorced; duh.

But somehow over the course of 20-something years your parents lost their way, stopped loving each other, have nothing in common, and are getting a divorce.

You’re bummed out and this is bad news all on top of your cold… and well your weekend is shot. Boogers, cough, fever, and your parents are getting a divorce.

At least, at least you’re older now. At least the only way this really effects you is emotionally. It shouldn’t keep you from moving forward in your life. Their divorce doesn’t result in you having to rotate where you live on weekends and I suppose I should be grateful for that.

I don’t think I ought to worry about whether or not I’ll get divorce because to be honest it ain’t lookin’ like I’m getting married anytime soon.

Which is perfect considering how I got mail notifying me that my claim for assistance has been denied, how nice. I feel like I deserved a phone call… you’re being rejected for not being poor enough… weird.. because if you’d look at my pantry/bank account I got poor all over me.

Anyways point is sometimes colds suck, and sometimes your parents decide that their journey together is over and you can’t hate them for that, and sometimes your claim is denied and you stay a broke college student for longer.

And the dream continues!