My Life

Blind Date

Is there a grieving process after a break up? Or even a grieving process for when things end? I think so, and I hope it’s normal.

Tonight after my presentation and finally arriving home I cleaned my room, took a bath, painted my nails, and watched a festival film from 2007 called Blind Date. It had some of my favorite actors that are known for comedies and I assumed the film would be funny. Twenty minutes in I had to pause the movie to read its summary because I was so confused with the story line. After reading the summary I learned that the film was in fact not going to be funny.

But because I had already seen the first twenty minutes and had already spent an extra twenty minutes on top of that trying to find a free movie to watch I decided to finish it.

The movie was sad. Sadder than I anticipated. I had hoped it would have a happy ending. I had hoped that the main characters’ happiness would be restored. SPOILER ALERT – But that didn’t happen.

The married couple lost their child in a car accident, the mother was gravely depressed and distanced herself from her husband, her husband was also struggling, and he needed his wife. He needed her. But she didn’t know how she could be there for him without forgetting about their child that they had lost. She blamed herself because she had been driving. But she also blamed her husband because he had been the reason for her distraction. After all this they still loved each other. Throughout the movie they are trying to rekindle their marriage. They go on many “blind dates” with each other. And every scenario is different. In the end on their last blind date the wife says she can’t take it anymore and kills herself. She overdosed and with her last moments she asks him to dance with her. And she dies in his arms.

I wept.

The husband then put on a home video of his whole family together, and you hear gun shots. And the movie ends.

I wept some more.

This is by far one of the saddest movies I’ve seen in awhile.

It was beautifully done, but terribly sad.

Given my state after the movie naturally I began to weep over my personal losses.

And I don’t have a good reason as to why I did that but I think that’s just what you do. When you start crying for one reason you just keep going until you run out of reasons to continue crying.

I really wondered what it would be like to love someone that dearly. And how fragile that love would be. And how tender that person would be to you.

I began to wonder if I had ever loved someone that much. I decided I wasn’t entirely sure if I had ever loved someone to that depth before… Which is okay because I think that kind of love definitely comes with time and it doesn’t start out that way… At least I think so..

I also thought about how I knew for sure fact that no one has ever loved me that much. There’s my parents – obvi, and then my siblings but not anyone I could call mine.

I wondered about all the boys I ever thought I loved and there were few…

1st boy – he had a “special love” for me but when you’re as young as we were I didn’t know what that meant and I’m sure he didn’t either

2nd boy – he didn’t care about me, at. all. And I know that

3rd boy – he said he loved me but it wasn’t the right kind and he didn’t have time (I covered that story recently..)

All these memories flashing by as I’m crying, right?

And through all this I’m just swearing off men for life. And determined to never let another one in so I’ll never have to hurt again. And wishing I had never met any of them. Wishing I could stop crying because it was just a movie even though at this point I wasn’t crying about the movie anymore… But I was also wishing I hadn’t watched such a sad movie.

When all of a sudden I had this overwhelming sense of comfort. And I heard a still small voice say, “Amy we don’t settle, and we do not yield. I really love you kiddo.”

Whatta tender mercy of the Lord. I am so grateful that He blesses us with tender mercies during our times of distress. Whether it be after a sad movie and a long emotional week or something larger. He knows us, where we are, and what we need. He lives. And is one of the few men in my life that has loved me unconditionally.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

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A Closed Chapter

We live a lot of stories in this life. And some of them are short lived, or drawn out, don’t last, sad, happy, easy, difficult, and some we would relive. When we’re young most stories end. Even the ones that seem a little drawn out. Those end too.

I know it been awhile since I’ve blogged. And so this blog post isn’t an update. And it isn’t for anyone specifically. It’s just for me.

So it has almost been a year since I met the last boy that I blogged about. I didn’t blog about him much solely because we were too busy having fun.

Unfortunately our summer fun didn’t last the whole summer and that’s okay. But reluctantly I’ve held on so tight for too long. I’d call it embarrassing but my best friends reassure me that it’s just what happens when someone makes you feel the way I felt for that summer.

When we broke up I was so hurt to hear that he was so unsure of how he felt about me. How we had spent so much time together and he didn’t know. Granted I never told him what I was ever sure of I only ever told him about my doubts which is probably one of the reasons why he didn’t know. Lesson here: tell people how you feel about them because I wish I had. I wish I had told him how much I cared about him. And although I felt afraid for a majority of our relationship it was because of how willing I was to change my life course just so he could be included for the rest of forever. I didn’t want to be that girl. The girl that would sacrifice certain things just so she could be with someone she thought she loved.

And I guess now would be an appropriate time to find a girl like that and apologize to her because I get it now. Well sort of.

It’s not all my fault though… He never told me how he felt either. The only time he ever told me how much he really wanted to be with me was after we had been broken up. He only told me once. Among the multiple times he told me he didn’t know.

And maybe that’s why I was so afraid. That and I think the world of him and I never thought that I’d be enough because he deserves so much.

Nobody thought he was enough for me either though… But when you think the world of someone no one else’s opinion really matters. It’s a hard place to be because all you’re thinking is when will I see him next, why haven’t I heard from him, and what if this doesn’t work out?

After we broke up I went in search of a rebound. It was the summer break! Why didn’t we do each other a favor and just… stick it out until the end so we wouldn’t be alone?! Haha (selfish note but slightly serious) Although my summer didn’t go to complete shit when he walked out of my life. I mean I met some cutie off Tinder, met his friends, and I was fine.

Fine to an extent. I was laughing, I was having fun, I had the attention of solid dime piece. I wasn’t really missing anything. I filled the void with hot desperate make out sessions with a boy I didn’t really care to come to know (although we got to know each other and I feel bad that at the beginning my intentions weren’t pure) and I also had plenty fun night swimming, and making friendships with strangers from different walks of life.

But he was still missing. I like to think he was doing exactly what I was doing. Aimlessly hooking up with his work out partner and only thinking of me on the off chance that he was alone. Curious as to what I was doing and hoping I’d break first and reach out. Not what he actually did I’m sure he did something else like work on a plan to solve world hunger.

After deciding that it’s okay to reach out I did. I told him he was my best friend because he was. I thanked him for treating me so well because he did. That was it. Somehow we started talking again. Regularly. Even though I knew we shouldn’t. Even though I knew he still didn’t know. And even though talking to him put the fear of God in my chest I obviously liked it because we continued to talk. And regrettably I fell in love with him and all his stupid great crap that anybody else could emulate. 

I’ve never been in love before but someone told me that it’s different for everybody and that’s why no one knows what it is until they feel it for themselves.

Lemme tell you this boy is a lot of things I never thought I’d fall in love with. And somehow between our laughs, long talks, and really really stupid fights I fell in love.

And you know how some people describe their love as perfect? Well I wouldn’t. My love for him wasn’t perfect ha and I don’t even know how one would perfect their love for another. Service? Hell. I don’t know.

Another person also told me that things end and it’s because there’s something better on the way. For the last month I’ve been holding on tight to this story that I’ve been telling myself. “If I wait long enough. If i am patient like he was for me he will feel the way I do and we could try again.” And this story is a stupid lead. The worst lead for any story that I have ever thought of. And I will tell you why. It is the worst lead because there is no where to go from it. And the longer he knows that that is the lead to this story he will forever never know. Because who doesn’t want to have a personal “biggest fan” in their court?

Within the lat few weeks I have learned that he will never be sure whether it is because he really is afraid, or he still wants to see what’s out there, or if he doesn’t have time for me or for a relationship at all – he is never going to be sure which will leave me with nothing but a weak lead with no end and a lot of tears.

I don’t want to be a girl with that story. 

Even though I’m in the process of walking away and hoping for something better a part of me thinks that I will always be willing to drop everything to be with him. I want us to be together,but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure. I want him to want me, but I don’t want to have to convince him that I’m what he wants. I want him to be happy, but I want to be what makes him happy.

I hope he wishes me well. But I guess we’ll never know. And I guess I’ll have to be okay with a story that began with me being unsure and ending with him being unsure.

#tellmealovestory

What do I want?

Tonight I’ve been pondering the question, “What do I want?”

When life presents a situation with multiple appropriate answers it can become difficult to decide which of the plausible answers will make us the most happy.

The natural decider will be that which will bring about the outcome we want most.

And then we pause. And we ask ourselves, “What do I want?”

For me I never know. There is what I think other people will want, what I think God would want, and then there’s what I think I want. 

I want to be happy and want to do whatever will make me happiest. But somehow what we envision isn’t always the outcome we foresee. 

Here I am incapable of making a not so difficult decision even after receiving specific guidance. 

I want to do what’s right for me, I want to help others reach their full potential, but I don’t want to lose sight of what my ultimate goals are. 

PS why is it that I tend to blog solely about my frustrations? I should really blog about my happy experiences too. 

Note to self: blog happier thoughts

 

Update: Amy’s Life

Currently looking for an internship and if anyone has any bright ideas let me know! I would really appreciate it. My friend had an interview for an internship with the Today Show but didn’t go to the interview. How dare he! How could he miss such a grand opportunity! I would kill just to get Al Roker’s coffee in the morning!

Also work is killing me slowly. 6 days a week, with school and homework, and no life- something’s gotta give and my grades are slowly struggling to stay straight A’s like they usually are.

I hope to make it past this semester so in the fall I can hopefully manage things better than I have. I mean I’ve done well so far but I need more sleep and so my grades are slowly starting to suffer.

The weather is also really nice and I can’t wait until school is out so I can spend my days at the sand bar and my nights at BK.

Another new thing is that I have a boyfriend.

And for the first few days (first week, honestly) I didn’t really feel like a girlfriend, not that I know exactly how a girlfriend should feel, and I was panicking because well.. I’m so young,and this is new, and I’m not ready for anything serious – because it seems to me that I’ve only ever really committed to myself, BK, and my friends and family…

But I like this boy.. and when you like a boy being their girlfriend is like the ultimate privilege?

So within the past week I have come to realize that my communication skills are not exactly above anyone else’s when it comes to relationships – I think.

This past week I was really afraid of the whole idea of being exclusive, I knew I wanted to be with this boy but I didn’t know if I wanted to be exclusive because that would mean no more other boys and what if I didn’t want that? Heaven knows I like options.

But thankfully, this boy and I can talk about everything and I’m not afraid to tell him my concerns. He probably thinks I’m nuts, but he’s also really patient.

Which is a plus for me.

After we talked for what felt like forever, I felt better, I mean I felt vulnerable because he knows all my concerns and where these concerns derived from. but somehow for whatever reason he still wants me around.

“Why’d you pick me over all the other girls you know?”
“Because I like listening to you more than the others.”

The epitome of simple. And I like it.

What Do I Know

I am being completely honest when I say I don’t know much about anything. I don’t remember anything for very long. I don’t know random mind blowing facts about the universe.

And I wouldn’t say that I’m not smart, but I definitely wouldn’t say that I am brilliant.

Although the things I do know may seem few… I think it’ll have to do…

I don’t necessarily tend to share my religious beliefs all the time but today I am, so you can skip this post if you’d like but if you’d like to know what I know to be true then keep reading.

These past few weeks have been up and down, and a little crazy. Some days I do all my homework for the week, others I sleep too much, or I work 15 hours at BK.

#noregrets

But as I’ve reflected on it all it’s been pretty nice.

With that said I just wanted to let you know that God lives. And He loves us so much that He provided a way to free us from the bonds of sin.
He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for us. Christ knows our sorrows perfectly.
Even if you and I were to commit the same sin because the repercussions of that sin would effect us differently Christ suffered for that same sin twice and experienced our different pain, remorse and sorrow for that same exact sin.
I am just so grateful that our Savior was so willing to suffer and die for us so that we could be free.
Ha if you know me or my blogs at all you know that all I ever want is to be free.
Free of debt, of fear, of sadness, of responsibility, of sin. And through the Atonement we can be at peace.
Every day I wanna be better and through the Atonement I can be.
God lives. He loves us. Jesus is the Christ. And I just wanted to share this message with you. It’ll bring happiness to everyone that is in search of a greater meaning in their life.
I mean that’s what its done for me.

The Why

So sometimes during our day to day grind we tap out. I shouldn’t speak for everyone.. but I know that I tap out.

Especially recently. Don’t get me wrong the college grind isn’t difficult by any means once you get into a groove of prep, class, homework, work, no sleep, repeat. And I love my major, I do.

But recently within lets say the last two weeks I’ve forgotten the why. Why I chose journalism.

I write for the school newspaper and I enjoy it when things work out. When I get the interviews I need and the articles write themselves, and I can meet my deadlines without stress.

But the last two weeks that hasn’t been the case at all. My last two stories no one was willing or available to speak with me. And it was frustrating. For two weeks I didn’t have a story to share. And because I’m easily discouraged I became quite concerned that I had made a mistake. That journalism wasn’t right and I should switch to PR.

This week however I was given a topic and people were available for me to speak with and today I interviewed a gentleman about his art.

I have a great appreciation for the arts and a love for design. So after taking a gander at his illustrations I was naturally really interested in his inspiration and process.

I hadn’t done an interview in two weeks and I’m still trying to “master the method” if you will… And I was really concerned that I would get stumped, run out of questions too soon and it would just suck.

But that didn’t happen. Until the end.

As I was thanking him for his time, his prophetic insights and advice, he asked me what the angle my article was going to take. I thought that was odd because I do the majority of the asking during these types of things… So I told him about the angle I was planning to take.

He asked me about my passion for writing, and as taken a back as I was I still managed to answer the question.

He then paused thoughtfully and said, “Miss Perez you didn’t ask the most important question.”

Now I was really concerned… I looked at my notes.. I paused and reflected on our conversation, and I was certain I had asked every question I had thought of before hand.

So in response I said, “What is the most important question Mr. Kerr?”

And his simple response was, “The why.”

He then began to explain the why behind his art.

After all this I walked away feeling enlightened, elated, and perhaps I’d go as far to say even uplifted.

T H E W H Y

I was humbled by this experience.

This semester as I’ve been writing for the newspaper I have struggled with creating stimulating questions to ask my interviewee so that they think I am prepared, intelligent, and concise. But in doing so I lost sight of my natural curiosity. And the why I chose this major.

Today I was reminded of the why I chose this major.

I chose this major because I am a curious being and I want to hear peoples’ stories. So I in turn can share their stories with others.

Animals are born with an inherit ability to know what it is they are meant to do. Whereas we learn from experiences. Whether that is through our own or through the experiences of others.

I love to write. I love to share my experiences with the internet, obvi. And I love journalism because I get to learn about peoples’ profound thoughts or life changing experiences and get the opportunity to share it with others.

So here’s to hoping I don’t forget the why, ever again.

& here’s to being curious!

xoxo

Remember That List?

So remember that one time I said I would blog for 50 days straight about random crap but never actually finished it? Well I’m going to continue with that list today – so the topic is “Your first love, and don’t skip the dirty details

Growing up all I wanted was to be cool, and to me at the time I thought that all the cool kids seemed to be falling in love. I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. But what I didn’t know was what love actually was, and I’d be lying if I said that I had a firm idea of what love is now that I’m a little older. However I do have a better idea of what it isn’t, thank goodness.

So the first time I thought I was in love was when I was a senior in high school. His name was Jorge. And oh how I thought I loved him. And since I can’t skip all the awkward details the world is about to know all about the first time I thought I was in love and it’s just embarrassing…

Don’t get me wrong Jorge was and is a wonderful person. He was funny, kind, thoughtful, and generous. He was a good listener and he always knew what to say. He was the only constant in my life. He never judged me, and he only ever wanted to be there for me. 

We started out as friends, and we would talk all day every day. I couldn’t even tell you why, except the fact that that’s just what we did. 

Oh we were also a long distance relationship. He lived in Fresno and I lived in Las Vegas, NV. Lemme tell you that wasn’t easy at all.

But anyways we would text all day, talk on the phone all night, I told him everything. Haha bless his heart, he listened to me ramble all day every day. And then in April he asked me to be his girlfriend and naturally I didn’t see why not, so I said yes.

We dated for awhile, and I knew how I felt about him! And at the time I really felt in love with him. He was a genuinely good person who wanted to be better, and wanted to make me better. We said the L word, it was easy, it was bliss, we had plans to move in together, and I was just ready for us to be together all the time!

But as time progressed it became more difficult for us to find time for each other and I just either wanted to be with him in Fresno or to just end it because it was becoming too hard to be with someone that I couldn’t actually see as often as I wanted.

I had no doubts about my feelings for him but I did begin to question his feelings for me. He couldn’t get away to take me to prom, and he couldn’t get away to come to my high school graduation. He also couldn’t get away for my grandparents 50th anniversary and as understanding as I tried to be we both knew I was frustrated. 

After graduation I moved with my family back to Colorado, and even though I still had strong feelings for him there was no way we were going to last with so much distance between us. 

We had “the” talk and ever so slowly we drifted about, and now there are only memories of what we were. Although on occasion he’ll send me a random snap chat of his dog…

Point is love is a sweet thing, and I don’t want to use the word “fear” to describe how I feel about “falling in love” but perhaps for lack of better words I am afraid that it’ll happen to me for real and I won’t have a clue what to do about it.