Is there a grieving process after a break up? Or even a grieving process for when things end? I think so, and I hope it’s normal.
Tonight after my presentation and finally arriving home I cleaned my room, took a bath, painted my nails, and watched a festival film from 2007 called Blind Date. It had some of my favorite actors that are known for comedies and I assumed the film would be funny. Twenty minutes in I had to pause the movie to read its summary because I was so confused with the story line. After reading the summary I learned that the film was in fact not going to be funny.
But because I had already seen the first twenty minutes and had already spent an extra twenty minutes on top of that trying to find a free movie to watch I decided to finish it.
The movie was sad. Sadder than I anticipated. I had hoped it would have a happy ending. I had hoped that the main characters’ happiness would be restored. SPOILER ALERT – But that didn’t happen.
The married couple lost their child in a car accident, the mother was gravely depressed and distanced herself from her husband, her husband was also struggling, and he needed his wife. He needed her. But she didn’t know how she could be there for him without forgetting about their child that they had lost. She blamed herself because she had been driving. But she also blamed her husband because he had been the reason for her distraction. After all this they still loved each other. Throughout the movie they are trying to rekindle their marriage. They go on many “blind dates” with each other. And every scenario is different. In the end on their last blind date the wife says she can’t take it anymore and kills herself. She overdosed and with her last moments she asks him to dance with her. And she dies in his arms.
The husband then put on a home video of his whole family together, and you hear gun shots. And the movie ends.
I wept some more.
This is by far one of the saddest movies I’ve seen in awhile.
It was beautifully done, but terribly sad.
Given my state after the movie naturally I began to weep over my personal losses.
And I don’t have a good reason as to why I did that but I think that’s just what you do. When you start crying for one reason you just keep going until you run out of reasons to continue crying.
I really wondered what it would be like to love someone that dearly. And how fragile that love would be. And how tender that person would be to you.
I began to wonder if I had ever loved someone that much. I decided I wasn’t entirely sure if I had ever loved someone to that depth before… Which is okay because I think that kind of love definitely comes with time and it doesn’t start out that way… At least I think so..
I also thought about how I knew for sure fact that no one has ever loved me that much. There’s my parents – obvi, and then my siblings but not anyone I could call mine.
I wondered about all the boys I ever thought I loved and there were few…
1st boy – he had a “special love” for me but when you’re as young as we were I didn’t know what that meant and I’m sure he didn’t either
2nd boy – he didn’t care about me, at. all. And I know that
3rd boy – he said he loved me but it wasn’t the right kind and he didn’t have time (I covered that story recently..)
All these memories flashing by as I’m crying, right?
And through all this I’m just swearing off men for life. And determined to never let another one in so I’ll never have to hurt again. And wishing I had never met any of them. Wishing I could stop crying because it was just a movie even though at this point I wasn’t crying about the movie anymore… But I was also wishing I hadn’t watched such a sad movie.
When all of a sudden I had this overwhelming sense of comfort. And I heard a still small voice say, “Amy we don’t settle, and we do not yield. I really love you kiddo.”
Whatta tender mercy of the Lord. I am so grateful that He blesses us with tender mercies during our times of distress. Whether it be after a sad movie and a long emotional week or something larger. He knows us, where we are, and what we need. He lives. And is one of the few men in my life that has loved me unconditionally.
And that’s all I’ll say about that.