So I’m back from the dead! Not that I died, but I’ve just been “busy” traveling, lazy from all the food I’ve been eating, and tired from staying up all night watching Disney movies.
But I have a lot on my mind so let’s just get going…
1.) Super grateful that I’ve done well this past fall semester. Traveling home for Christmas was a crazy drive. Thankfully I had my older brother there to keep me calm while driving. I was really nervous. Driving through Wyoming in snow and ice is kinda scary.. well for me at least.. and I’m just a baby..
2.) Actually being home.. has been weird to say the least. Remember when I said divorce sucks? Well that hasn’t changed, ha it still does… Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and I’m not saying my parents didn’t do their best to keep the peace while we’ve been home because they have. They actually haven’t fought this whole time, but then again they haven’t really done much talking either. And I’m not sure what would be worse. There’s that saying, “Worry when I stop fighting because that means I’ve stopped caring.” Actually.. I’m pretty sure that’s not how the saying goes at all but that’s the gist of it.. And it’s pretty heart breaking to see that your parents have entered a war where they don’t speak. I mean we haven’t spent any family time with everyone except for when we opened gifts and a few days later we tried to have lunch together.. Thank God for food otherwise we would’ve had to talk to each other ha Everything my parents say has a double meaning.. must be really hard to live that way.. I’m not mad at either of them, the main problem can’t possibly be blamed on one person alone. Father will blame mother for not being who he used to know, and Mother will blame father for not accepting who she is now. And we could all just blame pride and say that they just need to forgive each other and move forward but there are just so many things at play here that it couldn’t possibly play out that way. ‘Tis sad, Merry Christmas. Ha now that sounds bitter and maybe I am! Maybe I wanted to laugh a little more than I did this Christmas..
If you would like to redo Christmas for me that would be the very nicest thing anyone could ever do for me… this year.
3.) Does it make me selfish that I’m thinking about redoing Christmas? Yes. It is.
4.) I love my parents and I want them happy. And if they’re certain that separation is the answer then I may not support it and encourage them to reconsider but ultimately it’s their decision. I want to be involved, but how involved can a kid really be in their parents’ divorce without being a burden. Probably best to just get out of the way, and when everything is figured out I shouldn’t be affected in multiple ways just one, emotionally. Right? Because I don’t live with them, ha I pay a majority of my own bills and by majority I’m thinking all but insurance. IE Dental, and Health Insurance, I’d add car insurance but lucky me.. I still don’t have a car! haha
5.) At some point I need to make a real 2014 New Year Resolutions, ones that I can keep.. And I’ll make sure to blog about those soon…
6.) I would like a list of all the books I need to read this Winter Break, I never get to read as much as I’d like I always end up doing something else… IE eating, sleeping, sleeping, eating…
7.) I’ve gotta stop eating so much! I’m always H A N G R Y, it’s really not fair to those around me honestly..
8.) Back to relationships in general.. I’m not a Queen B with relationships but I was just thinking to myself last night.. that Man and wife are supposed to be equally yoked, they are supposed to get through the difficulties in life together, closer than they were before. Of course that’s easy for me to say because I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have a real job. You guys I just don’t wanna ‘eff up my marriage 20 years after getting married… Not that I’m about to get married to anyone..
Hanging out with my mother this past week has been nice, she tells me how proud she is of me. That she never thought I’d make the changes that I have, she didn’t think that I would be as successful as I have been. She told me that she thinks I’ll go far in life. That I’ve got everything going for me. She thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread and hey! that’s the nicest thing my mother has ever, ever said to me. Sadly it ended with, “Now Jasmine, don’t be like your mother. -for a lot of reasons- but don’t be like mommy and just, just be careful who you marry.”
Isn’t that sad? I’m half my father, you know. Which I had to remind her that I’m not all hers, without Daddy there’d be no me, no children.
We all make mistakes. I mean well duh…
Poor Daddy, he told me that it sucks being around someone who is disappointed in you. “She’s disappointed,” he said, “with everything I am.”
Honestly I just think there is a lot of resentment between the two of them. Like instead of resenting their kids for everything they don’t have they resent each other for everything they don’t have, didn’t do, and everything they might not get to do.
I want my parents together.. I want them to grow old together. I wish they could remember what brought them together and why they’ve been holding on for so long.
But I guess if it’s past the point where that’s an option I guess I’ll have to be a big girl and keep doing what’s right.
I hope one day when my parents meet someone new (heaven forbid, just kidding…) ha that I can manage to accept that. I hope that they both find happiness when this is all over. I hope that I can be a good example to them, to my family, I hope that I can be kind to both of them, I hope I can be able to console both of them, I want to be there for my parents like they have been for me… I don’t know how I’ll do that but I’m sure we’ll just figure it out as we go.
2014 New Year Resolution #1: Love more, tell people what they mean to me and mean it when I say it
Happy Holidays everyone, may your new year be the best you’ve ever had.