Finals for me start tomorrow and I haven’t really done too much studying. I have a messy room, I have no food in my pantry, I have homework to do, I have to pack, I have to do my laundry, I have to clean, and I have to pack.
Tomorrow I have 3 finals. Let me be honest… I’ll probably bomb all of them…
And all I can think about is my trip to California in a week, and my stops in Utah and Vegas along the way. And whether or not I should cut my hair before or after I go to California and who could dye my hair before my hair cut… And how boys are dumb and how boys make me dumb.. And how much bread I’ve managed to eat in the last 24 hours, and how I should be counting carbs, and whether or not I’ve gained weight in the last two weeks, or if I have the time to go running now or later, or how I’m going to pay for my summer break expenses, or who will be my date to my friend’s wedding in September, or what I’ll do when I get home, and if I’m going to go work at my old employer while I’m home, and if I’m going to continue not working out, and what kind of car I should buy or if I should even buy a car…
Point is I haven’t studied today, and I’m still not studying, and I have a lot on my mind, and all I want is to be at the beach soaking up the sun or out traveling the world like “everybody” else.
Couldn’t I be graduating already debt free with some money in my pocket to go travel for awhile, and maybe have a special someone tag along or meet someone special while I’m out traveling.
Sometimes I get into this muck where all I really want is someone to be with and I’m kicking myself for not having anyone… But I guess the mucking around never lasts long enough to change because I tend to get over it and remind myself that I actually don’t want that…
But maybe I do! But I really don’t.
I mean I do… Well today I do..
Guess I still dunno…
I’ve just over time have developed a fear. A fear that sucks. It’s like I’m all ready to jump into it with someone and then I dip my foot into the water and it doesn’t even have to be cold, lets say it’s luke warm… but then I’ll come up with reason to back away. I become emotional uncomfortable and I withdraw.
Whatev’s I’m still young…
BTW we talked about divorce and all the facets of it today in lecture.. I’ll have to blog about that another time though…
But I really have to study. Really. I. Need. To. Study.
Animals of the Burg 