Remember That List?

So remember that one time I said I would blog for 50 days straight about random crap but never actually finished it? Well I’m going to continue with that list today – so the topic is “Your first love, and don’t skip the dirty details

Growing up all I wanted was to be cool, and to me at the time I thought that all the cool kids seemed to be falling in love. I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. But what I didn’t know was what love actually was, and I’d be lying if I said that I had a firm idea of what love is now that I’m a little older. However I do have a better idea of what it isn’t, thank goodness.

So the first time I thought I was in love was when I was a senior in high school. His name was Jorge. And oh how I thought I loved him. And since I can’t skip all the awkward details the world is about to know all about the first time I thought I was in love and it’s just embarrassing…

Don’t get me wrong Jorge was and is a wonderful person. He was funny, kind, thoughtful, and generous. He was a good listener and he always knew what to say. He was the only constant in my life. He never judged me, and he only ever wanted to be there for me. 

We started out as friends, and we would talk all day every day. I couldn’t even tell you why, except the fact that that’s just what we did. 

Oh we were also a long distance relationship. He lived in Fresno and I lived in Las Vegas, NV. Lemme tell you that wasn’t easy at all.

But anyways we would text all day, talk on the phone all night, I told him everything. Haha bless his heart, he listened to me ramble all day every day. And then in April he asked me to be his girlfriend and naturally I didn’t see why not, so I said yes.

We dated for awhile, and I knew how I felt about him! And at the time I really felt in love with him. He was a genuinely good person who wanted to be better, and wanted to make me better. We said the L word, it was easy, it was bliss, we had plans to move in together, and I was just ready for us to be together all the time!

But as time progressed it became more difficult for us to find time for each other and I just either wanted to be with him in Fresno or to just end it because it was becoming too hard to be with someone that I couldn’t actually see as often as I wanted.

I had no doubts about my feelings for him but I did begin to question his feelings for me. He couldn’t get away to take me to prom, and he couldn’t get away to come to my high school graduation. He also couldn’t get away for my grandparents 50th anniversary and as understanding as I tried to be we both knew I was frustrated. 

After graduation I moved with my family back to Colorado, and even though I still had strong feelings for him there was no way we were going to last with so much distance between us. 

We had “the” talk and ever so slowly we drifted about, and now there are only memories of what we were. Although on occasion he’ll send me a random snap chat of his dog…

Point is love is a sweet thing, and I don’t want to use the word “fear” to describe how I feel about “falling in love” but perhaps for lack of better words I am afraid that it’ll happen to me for real and I won’t have a clue what to do about it.

Homework is a Ho & She Know She Bad

Homework in college is nothing like homework in high school. In high school you can decide not to do it and sleep easy but in college you can decide not to do your homework, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll lose sleep.

I procrastinate my homework up until midnight for no good reason and then stay up until the crack of butt to finish it because the idea of actually not doing my homework scares the shit outta me. 

A perfect example would be tonight. I am currently procrastinating my homework solely to blog about how bad homework really can be. And she can be pretty bad.

Today is Tuesday and I took Tuesday off from work so I could work on my homework and get some sleep for once… Because usually Tuesdays are my busiest days and I typically wake up at 8:50 am and run from place to place on campus trying to accomplish everything I need to accomplish before I run into work and get home at 1 am and do homework until 4 or 5 am wake up at 7:50 am to run to class at 8 and continuing running until well after 5 pm, but this week was going to be different! I was going to be productive! So I could sleep!

Ask me what I’ve done today… nothing remotely productive… I mean I did stuff but didn’t finish anything except for my dinner.. so that tells you I haven’t gotten very ahead with my homework for the week

I have to go to work tomorrow and I honestly dread the idea of putting on my uniform – mostly because I haven’t washed it since I wore it last..

I’m halfway done with the semester and I can’t wait until the only thing I have to do it wash my work uniform… it’s sad that that is what I have to look forward to.

And I’m not saying I don’t live a good life but gosh I wish my life were more exciting! When was the last time I did something scary?! Or something new?! Or read a new book? Or got outta town?! THAT WASN’T FOR A GRADE

I hope when I get outta school I’ll make time for things that I wanna do and don’t need to do

But until then, back to the daily grind

xoxo

Hi, Hello

Let’s talk about my life:

first off let me start by saying that life is good, and that God is good for allowing me to have enough of everything that I need.

and second let me just say that just because He blesses me with enough doesn’t mean that my life is easy.

but thirdly I’ve at least managed to see the best things of my life.

My routine is pretty simple now that it’s routine, but I’m really excited for my daily routine to end so I can go for a run in the morning and lay in the grass in the afternoon, and then go to work at night.

You guys I have a year of college left and I can feel myself becoming all the more ready to join society as a semi-mature, and responsible adult.

PS I’ve been doing really well in my class and some days I feel kinda smart which is nice since usually that isn’t the case. My classes in general just make me feel like I belong here and in the communications department… is that sappy? probably.

But in this life we search forever for a sense of belonging and it’s nice that I get to feel that in my classes.. I don’t feel like I’m behind on any of the material it all makes sense and I like being there.

Let’s talk about my job as a manager at the BK Lounge..

I like it, it’s a solid job, and I get to exercise skills such as “math”, “patience”, and “patience”. It isn’t always easy but I’m lucky to have the privilege of putting Burger King Shift Supervisor on my resume. They’ve kept my annoying ass on the crew for almost 6 months now… I should probably make them a cake..

I hope I can make it a better place than it is.. not that it isn’t great already…

haha I’m trying this new thing you guys where everything I do is a fucking privilege and lemme tell yuh I’m so glad that I get to participate in this thing called life (I hope my sarcasm kicked you in the face because that was my intention..)

But on a serious note though everything I get to do is a privilege so I really am thankful…

And I’m sure you all wanna hear the latest on my love life – since that’s basically that’s where all my funniest stories come from

Unfortunately I have nothing too funny to report

It goes a little something like this:

Starting seeing a boy, started liking this boy, and he was funny.
But he had a girlfriend, and I didn’t know, so it ended.

And then I met a nicer boy, and he treated me well, he was funny too
But the idea of a boy liking me a lot makes me uncomfortable (assuming he likes me a lot) haha
So I walked away..

Luckily not bitter, and actually pretty happy.

Boys are just as dumb and just as mean as women can be so I guess things are fair enough.

And for now I’ll just stay off Tinder
#nothankstinder

That’s the update for now and maybe I’ll post something profound sometime soon, if I have any profound thoughts in the next week or so…

XOXo,
Off to BK

Disappointing.

Oh hi..  Do I even actually blog anymore? Does anyone still read this?

So would it really be too much to back track all the way to the beginning of my winter break and blog about all of it?

Yes. Yes it would be.

But to catch you up, my father received a job offer in California and my parents got back together. Now they didn’t get back together because he got a job offer it just so happened that both happened before Easter.

I manage at Burger King, and it hasn’t been so bad for the most part. For awhile I was hating and struggling with the fact that things in this life aren’t handed to me and honestly I was pretty bitter about it. But right now my current mentality is that I just don’t give a fuck. I shut up, go to work, do the grind, make that money, come home, and do it again the next day. Bad mentality.

There are some days where I feel like a zombie. Where I literally just zone out and fly on auto-pilot. What a terrible way to live life. I hope I can make the most of it because well I don’t just wanna speed through my twenties with my eyes half shut.

Some days I try to live a little. And some days I try to do too much.

Without whining too much about my poor decisions, let’s just say I’ve made really poor decisions and dealing with consequences suck. I just wanna be free. Free from responsibility. Free from disappointments. Free from stress. Free from money. Freedom from self pity and self loathing for not ever having enough or being enough.

My roommates will attest to the fact that when things go bad my typical response is, “it’s fine” mostly because I just want the anger I feel or sorrow to disappear.

This past winter semester has been everything but fine. To be honest this semester off track went to the pits the moment I thought God wasn’t looking out for me the way that He should be. The moment I began to doubt God and try to take things into my own hands was the same time I became less and less satisfied with what I had in life.

In my search for more I found nothing but short lived nights, and momentary bliss. Can you blame me for hoping I could do it on my own?

You would think that by now I would know that God knows best and that I need to align my will with His.

Some days I just wanna run away, scream at the top of my lungs, or start all over. If I could do it all over I would’ve stopped wishing for more and just started working harder sooner.

I think I would’ve asked God for help a lot sooner too, and I think I would’ve relinquished my pride and desire to be all knowing.

I think if I had done that, if I had had the right mindset I would be free from all my worries and all the disappointment I’ve built up because I couldn’t adequately conquer what was set before me.

Some people say that God only gives us trials we can handle. Well I think that because of my pride assuming that I could do it all alone I surely proved to myself that I cannot do it alone.

That sometimes, like at work, you have to ask for help. Or sometimes, like on a run, you have to stop and walk.

I’m sad that I couldn’t do it. I’m sad I questioned God’s authority and got myself into the situations that I did. And really hate that I didn’t always live up to the good person I want to be when placed in difficult situations.

I want to start this semester off right.

And I want to be free.

Late Night Rambles

Today I went to lunch with one of my very dear, and close friends of mine. She’s the best! (The one that got married in Portland, if you remember) 

And while we were at dinner naturally we ended up talking about my parents’ divorce. And for the past month I have been struggling with recent course of events. It’s just been really hard for me to accept.

It will sound nutty but it’s been “interesting” to experience the emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on. Some days I was really angry, and silently lashing out at everyone and everything. I was angry. Just. So. Angry. So much frustration. I had never been so upset, and I had never misdirected my anger towards God. 

The amount of sorrow that I’ve experienced put me at a loss for words. I wanted to cry, a lot. But crying only ever made me more angry, and it never seemed to help.

And of course I wanted to talk about it but I never wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about it because my emotions were never the same. One day I’d feel a certain way while the next I would feel a different way.

For a time I found myself angry with God. Angry that this was happening, angry that my parents hadn’t made the best decisions that they could have through out their marriage, and angry that I wasn’t coming to terms with the situation.

All I wanted was peace. P E A C E. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I wanted to find comfort. But I didn’t want to ask God for that. I didn’t want to ask Him because I was angry. And I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was angry with God. How ridiculous would I sound? Who could I have told that wouldn’t think I was being unreasonable? Which I knew I was deliberately choosing not to pray for comfort,and choosing not to be happy.

But thankfully, God has placed the right people in my life that allowed me to find a safe place to confide my feelings. And they understood. 

Since then I’ve let go of my anger. I may have to make the decision everyday but by doing so I’ve been able to be happier and more at peace. 

I’ve realized that it isn’t God’s fault that my parents are deciding to handle their relationship the way that they are. It isn’t by God’s will that my parents get divorced. They still have their agency they are making the choices that they have thus far, and ’til the end it’ll always be their decision. 

I’m thankful for God’s patience. I’m thankful for His love, kindness, and mercy. God is so merciful. His mercy knows no bounds. He has continued to bless me through this difficult time even when He was fully aware of how angry I was with Him. I’m thankful that He knew I could and would come to terms with the situation. And I’ve been able to recognize the love He has for me is never ending by taking into account the blessings He’s bestowed upon me even when all I thought I wanted was to be alone. 

I know God lives. I know that He knows me. I know that He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God. I know I am imperfect. I know that I am flawed. I know that in alotta ways I could be considered the worst. I know that I have so much to work on. But I know that God has prepared the way for me to return to Him. I know that He sent His son to die for me. And I am so grateful for the Atonement. I’m so grateful that not only does it help the bad man become good it also helps the good man become better. 

I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true Gospel restored to the earth. I also know that I am the farthest perfect person there ever was, but I know that without a doubt I wouldn’t leave this Gospel for anything else. The blessings of this Gospel when we are obedient far out weigh the pleasures the world can offer us.

I normally don’t post stuff like this but it’s been on my mind so there we go.

 

Oh the Trials We Face

So the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through… 

It’s kind of hard to pin point one particular event. Not that my whole life has been hard. Most of the things I’ve gone through I would say is because I made poor decisions and the consequences that followed were difficult to endure.

With that said I’ve been thinking about things that I didn’t have control over, and had to endure anyways.

Which was even harder because I like to think that God has been more than fair to me thus far even with all my knuckle headed decisions that I’ve made.

So as of right now the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, or should I say, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with is what I find myself dealing with right now.

My parents’ separation and divorce.

Within recent months my parents have begun to struggle more and more with their growing differences. And yes, I do realize that I have blogged about this subject quite a bit. And no, I don’t think I’ll apologize for that.

Now within the next month my parents will be separating for good. I am 20 years old. They’ve been married for 21 years. And within the next month they’ll be separated. 

My world in upside down and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to talk to them because they just sound so sad. But I miss my family, but I can’t find myself wanting to talk to my parents.And I just wanna cry all the time. But I also don’t want to talk about it. 

I find myself sad. I find that I want to be alone, but not really by myself. I want to tell my friends how I feel, but I don’t want their advice. I want to be with my siblings, but I don’t want to be the one to call them first. I want to eat my feelings, but I don’t have an appetite.

I’m just trying to cope, but I don’t know how.

Now let’s get something straight… I don’t blame myself in any way for my parents’ divorce. I understand that they’re unhappy, and naturally I want my parents to be happy. But I can’t help but wonder if this is happening shouldn’t it have happened sooner? And how long have they really been unhappy?

Although I knew they had been struggling within the last year I guess I was just hopeful. Hopeful that they’d bounce back like they always do or like so-and-so’s parents did because even though peoples’ parents get divorce yours aren’t supposed to.

It may have been foolish to think that if I had been good this year they’d just.. I dunno fall back in love with each other and die happily ever after.

And “happily ever after” doesn’t happen for everyone but it should, it should for your parents. That’s your expectation! That was my expectation. After all the trials they face that seem to never cease at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter because “I love you” would be the last words they’d say to each other every night.

No one sets out to fail at marriage, no one gets married thinking that at some point it’ll end. At least I dunno anyone like that. And it isn’t fair of me to ask my parents to try again, or to continue trying but gosh I wish it would be fair… because maybe I would ask.

Maybe I idolized their whole story a little too much. Maybe the way my father described the first time he saw my mother inspired me too much to believe in that kinda love. Or maybe the way my mother used to praise my father for being such a good man created a false sense of security that nothing would ever change. Which probably isn’t true because I see that kind of love and security with other couples. And it sucks, it sucks to see that your parents don’t have that anymore. 

I guess that your parents’ marriage plays a large part in the foundation of your life. The way they feel about each other means something to your own well-being, for better or worse. The way they relate, love, interact and take care of each other plays a big part in every relationship you’ll have, which is probably why I think I’m having such a difficult time with all this.

By definition I am an adult and as an adult I thought that I’d be able to handle all the truths about my parents’ marriage. That I would be able to handle and accept all the facets and faults of their marriage from beginning to end. That there would be more pros to being an “adult” during this time. I am now thinking that might not entirely be the case.

Now that I am an adult the truth is, is that I am not and cannot be sheltered from any secrets that my parents have been hiding for quite some time. I have a greater understanding of what things can, can’t, do, and don’t mean. You may not have to publicly announce whose side you’re on but with the plethora of information you inadvertently do which may or may not bring you unhappiness. And by may or may not I mean, yes yes it does. 

And I ain’t down to be unhappy. I told my roommate today that I was tired of being a sad puss all the time. I don’t want to be sad. I’m not destined to end up like my parents. I can decide to be just like, better, or worse than them. 

I want them to know that I love them and I won’t love them any less after their divorce. I do want them to be happy.

My friend says that, “In some ways, you’ll never get over it” and I believe that. But I don’t want to be emotionally crippled by their decision to separate.

So there you go… the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.. ha

Up next… *drum roll* 9 things I just can’t handle

xoxo

Lying is the Game

I really shouldn’t make promises I can’t keep..

IE: “I won’t eat the last cookie”, or “I will remember to record your favorite show for you”, or “we’ll be friends forever”, or “I’ll blog every day for the next fifty days”

This is me apologizing for not doing.. well any of those.. but mostly the last one. 

So anyways… the next item on the list is the biggest lie I ever told and almost got away with.

K well, in high school.. okay okay.. growing up in general I was the biggest, fattest, liar there ever was! All I ever did was lie! 

I remember one time my Senior year of high school I lied, got caught, and my mother was like, “Jasmine I thought you were done lying? You’re old enough to tell us the truth.” And that was like.. one of the best things my mother ever told me growing up.

Haha isn’t that sad? That one of the best things my mother ever told me was that I didn’t have to lie anymore… That’s how much I lied… W O W

Well thankfully I’ve changed my policy to honesty only, to say what I mean and mean what I say. Thus far all has been well, not easy, but swell

But I digress… The BIGGEST lie I ever told was when I was a JR in high school

I had a new “boy toy” if you will, and we had just begun hanging out. I honestly couldn’t tell you how I met him.. I wanna say we had mutual friends via MySpace??? It’s been awhile… Point is we met and we were seeing each other. 

He was the definition of a bad boy. He was everything that would drive my parents crazy, just what I thought I wanted.

And I’m telling you now that the thing about “bad boys” is that usually they treat you really bad. The worse they are the worse they’ll treat you.

So we were at the mall, naturally because that’s where kids go when they don’t have jobs, money, responsibilities, or any place to go that’s not their home. 

And I was with my friend Ryan, she was my neighbor for the last 5 years and we were pretty close at the time. We watched like two movies and then Aaron, “bad boy”, showed up at some point. Ryan went home shortly after.

One thing led to another and we were hooked up. Now I’ll spare the dirty details because those don’t matter either. Point is I walked away with quite a few hickys.

Somehow I thought that this meant that this boy really “liked” me, and to an extent that was true but he didn’t like me because I was smart, funny, or kind. He solely liked me because well.. I was easy. And I can say that because at the time it was true. 

With that said… I am sometimes, and by that I mean usually, disappointed by “younger Amy’s” poor decisions. 

But back to the story…

So after making note of the damage.. I first was pleased.. I had never gotten a hicky before! And now I had like twenty…

Then reality sunk in. These were going to be seen by E V E R Y O N E, including my parents.

Aaron bought me a scarf, which isn’t as cute as I remember it being at the time because I still have it.. ha and when I wore it.. it was the first time I had ever worn a scarf. 

My father, younger sister, and younger brother, decided to meet me at the mall to eat. Aaron met my family and left, with plans to take the bus home. 

After shaking hands with my father and walking away my little brother. who was about 12, pointed to my neck, tugged on my scarf, revealing the very hickys I had tried to hide. 

Father was furious. And we left. Without eating.

We went home. No talking. No radio. And I had to think fast because Heaven forbid I told the truth and I’d never get to see Aaron again because he “liked” me. WRONG. Shoulda told the truth.

We got home. Father went upstairs. While my younger sister taunted me. So I had to think fast!! So I went to my room.

I stopped to look at myself in the mirror. And what I once thought was pretty nifty had now turned my neck purple.

I became afraid. What do I tell my parents? What will people think? What if Aaron never calls me? What if they never go away? What if it scars? Shortly after I realized how painful it was. And then I cried.

My father came to my room and asked me what happened.

I lied. I said that while I was at the movies different boys had met up with us. I said that they were Ryan’s friends. I said it was all fun and games until one of the boys had taken me aside and this all happened. And then I told him that I ran into Aaron earlier who is a friend of another friend and he was the one who bought the scarf.

Seemed pretty legit.

My dad went to the store to buy a remedy to remove the hickys while I stayed at home. My little brother googled ways to remove them and he used hot tea bags to twist them out. 

On a side note at least I know how to get rid of them if I ever needed to rid my body of another. Which I doubt I’ll ever have such a need.

So then my mother came home… And because I’m her daughter, and because I’m not that smart, or that lucky, she didn’t buy it… At least not really.

We bought clothes that would cover them up until they went away.. but a few days later my mother asked me again what happened. I did my best to keep the story straight.

But she still didn’t buy it, not really. 

So naturally she went next door, and asked Ryan what really happened.

Since she knew and wasn’t going to let some lie ruin her trust with my mother, ironic. She told the truth..

Mother came home and may or may not have given me a serious form of punishment. 

Needless to say I was grounded. 

And that’s the biggest lie I ever told and almost got away.

Haha

I continued to see Aaron for awhile until finally I dumped him when I realized how much I’m worth. And then forgot long enough to date another jerk. Thankfully I’m not stuck in that cycle anymore.

Good story? Tune in… next time for the story of the hardest thing I’ve ever been through!

XOXO