A Closed Chapter

We live a lot of stories in this life. And some of them are short lived, or drawn out, don’t last, sad, happy, easy, difficult, and some we would relive. When we’re young most stories end. Even the ones that seem a little drawn out. Those end too.

I know it been awhile since I’ve blogged. And so this blog post isn’t an update. And it isn’t for anyone specifically. It’s just for me.

So it has almost been a year since I met the last boy that I blogged about. I didn’t blog about him much solely because we were too busy having fun.

Unfortunately our summer fun didn’t last the whole summer and that’s okay. But reluctantly I’ve held on so tight for too long. I’d call it embarrassing but my best friends reassure me that it’s just what happens when someone makes you feel the way I felt for that summer.

When we broke up I was so hurt to hear that he was so unsure of how he felt about me. How we had spent so much time together and he didn’t know. Granted I never told him what I was ever sure of I only ever told him about my doubts which is probably one of the reasons why he didn’t know. Lesson here: tell people how you feel about them because I wish I had. I wish I had told him how much I cared about him. And although I felt afraid for a majority of our relationship it was because of how willing I was to change my life course just so he could be included for the rest of forever. I didn’t want to be that girl. The girl that would sacrifice certain things just so she could be with someone she thought she loved.

And I guess now would be an appropriate time to find a girl like that and apologize to her because I get it now. Well sort of.

It’s not all my fault though… He never told me how he felt either. The only time he ever told me how much he really wanted to be with me was after we had been broken up. He only told me once. Among the multiple times he told me he didn’t know.

And maybe that’s why I was so afraid. That and I think the world of him and I never thought that I’d be enough because he deserves so much.

Nobody thought he was enough for me either though… But when you think the world of someone no one else’s opinion really matters. It’s a hard place to be because all you’re thinking is when will I see him next, why haven’t I heard from him, and what if this doesn’t work out?

After we broke up I went in search of a rebound. It was the summer break! Why didn’t we do each other a favor and just… stick it out until the end so we wouldn’t be alone?! Haha (selfish note but slightly serious) Although my summer didn’t go to complete shit when he walked out of my life. I mean I met some cutie off Tinder, met his friends, and I was fine.

Fine to an extent. I was laughing, I was having fun, I had the attention of solid dime piece. I wasn’t really missing anything. I filled the void with hot desperate make out sessions with a boy I didn’t really care to come to know (although we got to know each other and I feel bad that at the beginning my intentions weren’t pure) and I also had plenty fun night swimming, and making friendships with strangers from different walks of life.

But he was still missing. I like to think he was doing exactly what I was doing. Aimlessly hooking up with his work out partner and only thinking of me on the off chance that he was alone. Curious as to what I was doing and hoping I’d break first and reach out. Not what he actually did I’m sure he did something else like work on a plan to solve world hunger.

After deciding that it’s okay to reach out I did. I told him he was my best friend because he was. I thanked him for treating me so well because he did. That was it. Somehow we started talking again. Regularly. Even though I knew we shouldn’t. Even though I knew he still didn’t know. And even though talking to him put the fear of God in my chest I obviously liked it because we continued to talk. And regrettably I fell in love with him and all his stupid great crap that anybody else could emulate. 

I’ve never been in love before but someone told me that it’s different for everybody and that’s why no one knows what it is until they feel it for themselves.

Lemme tell you this boy is a lot of things I never thought I’d fall in love with. And somehow between our laughs, long talks, and really really stupid fights I fell in love.

And you know how some people describe their love as perfect? Well I wouldn’t. My love for him wasn’t perfect ha and I don’t even know how one would perfect their love for another. Service? Hell. I don’t know.

Another person also told me that things end and it’s because there’s something better on the way. For the last month I’ve been holding on tight to this story that I’ve been telling myself. “If I wait long enough. If i am patient like he was for me he will feel the way I do and we could try again.” And this story is a stupid lead. The worst lead for any story that I have ever thought of. And I will tell you why. It is the worst lead because there is no where to go from it. And the longer he knows that that is the lead to this story he will forever never know. Because who doesn’t want to have a personal “biggest fan” in their court?

Within the lat few weeks I have learned that he will never be sure whether it is because he really is afraid, or he still wants to see what’s out there, or if he doesn’t have time for me or for a relationship at all – he is never going to be sure which will leave me with nothing but a weak lead with no end and a lot of tears.

I don’t want to be a girl with that story. 

Even though I’m in the process of walking away and hoping for something better a part of me thinks that I will always be willing to drop everything to be with him. I want us to be together,but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure. I want him to want me, but I don’t want to have to convince him that I’m what he wants. I want him to be happy, but I want to be what makes him happy.

I hope he wishes me well. But I guess we’ll never know. And I guess I’ll have to be okay with a story that began with me being unsure and ending with him being unsure.

#tellmealovestory

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