Remember That List?

So remember that one time I said I would blog for 50 days straight about random crap but never actually finished it? Well I’m going to continue with that list today – so the topic is “Your first love, and don’t skip the dirty details

Growing up all I wanted was to be cool, and to me at the time I thought that all the cool kids seemed to be falling in love. I couldn’t wait until it was my turn. But what I didn’t know was what love actually was, and I’d be lying if I said that I had a firm idea of what love is now that I’m a little older. However I do have a better idea of what it isn’t, thank goodness.

So the first time I thought I was in love was when I was a senior in high school. His name was Jorge. And oh how I thought I loved him. And since I can’t skip all the awkward details the world is about to know all about the first time I thought I was in love and it’s just embarrassing…

Don’t get me wrong Jorge was and is a wonderful person. He was funny, kind, thoughtful, and generous. He was a good listener and he always knew what to say. He was the only constant in my life. He never judged me, and he only ever wanted to be there for me. 

We started out as friends, and we would talk all day every day. I couldn’t even tell you why, except the fact that that’s just what we did. 

Oh we were also a long distance relationship. He lived in Fresno and I lived in Las Vegas, NV. Lemme tell you that wasn’t easy at all.

But anyways we would text all day, talk on the phone all night, I told him everything. Haha bless his heart, he listened to me ramble all day every day. And then in April he asked me to be his girlfriend and naturally I didn’t see why not, so I said yes.

We dated for awhile, and I knew how I felt about him! And at the time I really felt in love with him. He was a genuinely good person who wanted to be better, and wanted to make me better. We said the L word, it was easy, it was bliss, we had plans to move in together, and I was just ready for us to be together all the time!

But as time progressed it became more difficult for us to find time for each other and I just either wanted to be with him in Fresno or to just end it because it was becoming too hard to be with someone that I couldn’t actually see as often as I wanted.

I had no doubts about my feelings for him but I did begin to question his feelings for me. He couldn’t get away to take me to prom, and he couldn’t get away to come to my high school graduation. He also couldn’t get away for my grandparents 50th anniversary and as understanding as I tried to be we both knew I was frustrated. 

After graduation I moved with my family back to Colorado, and even though I still had strong feelings for him there was no way we were going to last with so much distance between us. 

We had “the” talk and ever so slowly we drifted about, and now there are only memories of what we were. Although on occasion he’ll send me a random snap chat of his dog…

Point is love is a sweet thing, and I don’t want to use the word “fear” to describe how I feel about “falling in love” but perhaps for lack of better words I am afraid that it’ll happen to me for real and I won’t have a clue what to do about it.


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