Disappointing.

Oh hi..  Do I even actually blog anymore? Does anyone still read this?

So would it really be too much to back track all the way to the beginning of my winter break and blog about all of it?

Yes. Yes it would be.

But to catch you up, my father received a job offer in California and my parents got back together. Now they didn’t get back together because he got a job offer it just so happened that both happened before Easter.

I manage at Burger King, and it hasn’t been so bad for the most part. For awhile I was hating and struggling with the fact that things in this life aren’t handed to me and honestly I was pretty bitter about it. But right now my current mentality is that I just don’t give a fuck. I shut up, go to work, do the grind, make that money, come home, and do it again the next day. Bad mentality.

There are some days where I feel like a zombie. Where I literally just zone out and fly on auto-pilot. What a terrible way to live life. I hope I can make the most of it because well I don’t just wanna speed through my twenties with my eyes half shut.

Some days I try to live a little. And some days I try to do too much.

Without whining too much about my poor decisions, let’s just say I’ve made really poor decisions and dealing with consequences suck. I just wanna be free. Free from responsibility. Free from disappointments. Free from stress. Free from money. Freedom from self pity and self loathing for not ever having enough or being enough.

My roommates will attest to the fact that when things go bad my typical response is, “it’s fine” mostly because I just want the anger I feel or sorrow to disappear.

This past winter semester has been everything but fine. To be honest this semester off track went to the pits the moment I thought God wasn’t looking out for me the way that He should be. The moment I began to doubt God and try to take things into my own hands was the same time I became less and less satisfied with what I had in life.

In my search for more I found nothing but short lived nights, and momentary bliss. Can you blame me for hoping I could do it on my own?

You would think that by now I would know that God knows best and that I need to align my will with His.

Some days I just wanna run away, scream at the top of my lungs, or start all over. If I could do it all over I would’ve stopped wishing for more and just started working harder sooner.

I think I would’ve asked God for help a lot sooner too, and I think I would’ve relinquished my pride and desire to be all knowing.

I think if I had done that, if I had had the right mindset I would be free from all my worries and all the disappointment I’ve built up because I couldn’t adequately conquer what was set before me.

Some people say that God only gives us trials we can handle. Well I think that because of my pride assuming that I could do it all alone I surely proved to myself that I cannot do it alone.

That sometimes, like at work, you have to ask for help. Or sometimes, like on a run, you have to stop and walk.

I’m sad that I couldn’t do it. I’m sad I questioned God’s authority and got myself into the situations that I did. And really hate that I didn’t always live up to the good person I want to be when placed in difficult situations.

I want to start this semester off right.

And I want to be free.

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