So you want to get to know me, eh?
Well I suppose I’ll try and tell you a little more about myself, and more importantly answer your question. I received an email suggesting that I go into more depth about why I think I can’t commit.
So let’s take a few steps back.. When you’re going somewhere important you want to put your best self forward, right? You want to look nice, you want to be ready, you want to sound smart, at least I know I do.
And I think, for me, it’s the same way for relationships. I think that within my short time here in this life I’ve done quite a few people dirty, too many in my opinion in too many ways. With that said I think that Karma’s a total B and has got me on her list and that I’ve been there for awhile.
Example: you know how every girl wishes the mean girl gets fat? Well after high school, haha, this mean girl (me) got pretty fat… like jolly Santa Clause fat (I’m not saying Karma did it, but I’m just using this as a silly example)
But moving on… to the actual point maybe I’m worried that Karma will sabotage my relationships because I’ve home-wrecked, broken hearts, and done people dirty so relentlessly.
You know how I’ve mentioned that I’ve been burned by the very fires that I’ve set? Well after high school I don’t know why but I was so hopeful that’d I’d get married ASAP. I mean I had a pretty serious boyfriend most of my senior year and for awhile after high school. Over all that time we had developed plans. Really, really extravagant plans. And I swear he was the boy of my dreams, the boy you read about in fairy tales, the boy you brag about to your girlfriends because you secretly hope they’ll hate you for your good fortune. But then the distance between us became too hard to bare. I moved back to Colorado and long story short one issue after another and it was over.
Even after that I was pretty hopeful that I’d fall in love all over again, soon. Which didn’t happen. I just started dating a buncha ninnies. Low life losers, haha (they weren’t that bad, I’m just being dramatic) I for some reason didn’t think I deserved anyone too great, that or I just thought every high school graduate under-employed twenty-something year old was the perfect guy. Point is “We accept the love we think we deserve” and at this point in my life I was 1.) trying to recreate a past relationship and 2.) I was trying to let someone in too quickly hoping they’d just fall in love with me but 3.) I was doing that with boys that didn’t really want to get to know me, didn’t respect me, and didn’t care about me.
I just wanted to be cared about, just wanted to have someone to talk to, someone to get ice cream with, and someone to share my dreams with. Which aren’t such bad things but I was so willing to compromise everything else to be with someone just mediocre. Which wasn’t fair to me because I am quite extraordinary.
So after Mr. Fabulous from high school there came “Fast-fag-douche-bag” then came “Mei-day Parade” then came “The Twitter Bug”, then “The Cadet” followed by Cadets 2, 3, and 4 (they were all so similar they don’t get names), then came “The Mechanic” (now I liked him, I started slowing down I tried conversation first instead of the “I’m hott, you’re hott, let’s get to know each other while we make-out” approach), then came the “Family friend”, now these are all different guys but they all had the similar story outline 1.) We meet 2.) We talk 3.) We go out 4.) I get too excited too quickly OR I become uninterested 5.) If I was too excited Karma set me on fire and down a hill BUT if I had become uninterested I added another pair of a man’s hurt feelings to the long list of people I had hurt.. but thankfully, there came a long pause…
I was working and going to school, full steam ahead! To be honest I felt SO liberated! Being all “Miss Independent, Don’t Need No Man” but that liberating feeling never really lasts haha, your friends get boyfriends and they have jobs and are going to school and they’re getting married and having kids – not particularly in this order but you know, they’re experiencing defining moments in life! And there I was… being all “Miss Independent, Don’t Need No Man”, and fat. Haha
So I get hopeful, rethinking that just maybe after all the buttheads I had gotten in the ring with still had potential even though most of the potential had been beaten to a pulp already..
The semester ends and I go back to Colorado, still hopeful. I hadn’t been home for longer than 7 weeks in over a year, I had missed my family and I was hopeful I would get to meet someone.
And I did just that, I met people. Too many all too quickly that I can hardly remember the order, I mean first I met “Mr. One Liner” (I had a minor set back, I mean he had dimples and it had been a whole stressful semester without any release; and I’ve been ashamed since. Haha) But “The Mechanic” hung around for a bit but the flame had died out and I didn’t have much interest in re-kindling it, then came “The Writer” (Nice guy, but I just wasn’t feeling it) And this whole time I had been meeting new guy, after new guy, but I was so tired of the “get to know you” conversations that only lasted for a brief minutes or few weeks. I think I was out of touch with “The game”, out of shape, and my standards had been raised – least it seemed that way.
So what did I do? Did what every other logical person does, and I got online. Judge me, fine. But to my surprise I found a lot of people that I knew in real life online haha it was kinda fun to read their profiles and giggle about what they wanted the online world to know. And since online you’re 3x more likely to meet someone, I did “The Army Guy”. Found myself pretty interested, not a surprise. I mean online it said we were a match, and since online dating is based off of pure science it wasn’t a surprise that I found him to be quite a catch.
Now I’m just gonna stop there and wrap it up, because well I think with all this T.M.I everyone will be able to conclude that I, Amy, am afraid of commitment because Karma is out to get me for doing people dirty by the masses. I don’t want to commit to someone without putting my best foot forward, I’m not saying I’m waiting until I’m perfect but I haven’t been anyone’s “girlfriend” in what feels like half a century and I don’t know if I’d be too good at it…
I wanna be with someone, I wanna be someone’s reason to smile, their day and night. But I’d hate to give myself to someone in a “as is, store credit returns only” condition; because people hate that. I don’t want to start dating someone because I’m feeling lonely for a weekend. I can handle lonely. Besides it isn’t easy to meet someone, fall in like with them, and then just tell them! It may seem like I reject a lot of people but I’m the one doing walking away. Which some people might see as a favor.
It’s a hard thing, this cycle of meeting someone, liking them, waiting until there’s been enough time between you two to tell them, but then you wait so long they’re on their way out the door, but they’re all you want. But you can’t tell them just yet because it isn’t the right timing, and all you want is to get the timing right.
Haha maybe if I wasn’t so tied up in trying to get the timing right… I would know if who I wanted, wanted me too.
Did you know that men over-estimate a woman’s interest in them whereas women under-estimate a man’s interest?
&Did you know that 2/3 out of every divorce is initiated by the woman and not because of porn addictions or adultery but because they develop a, typically false, perception that their husbands no longer love them and then distance themselves from their husbands… And if a couple tries marriage therapy before they finalize a divorce, my professor says, that the husbands usually never stopped loving their wife.
Point is I should probably stop being such a cotton headed ninny muggins and take more risks. YOLO more.. and perhaps I will.. tomorrow.
Now that the whole-freakin’ world knows my life, goodnight.